Wise advice.

My father's words of wisdom for the day (also the first thing he said to me when I first saw him after coming home from work tonight): "CM, never play leap-frog with a unicorn."

I'm not even kidding. He actually said that.

Well. Thanks, Dad. I'll try to keep that in mind.

In other news, words do not express how tired I am at the moment. Not only are there twin black lines under my eyes right now, I'm also suffering from a hoarse throat, achy muscles and cuts all over my exposed skin.

Before you ask, no, I am not getting physically abused by anyone.

But it sure FEELS like it.

Oh, of course the abuse wouldn't be half this painful if it had been the result of a wild tumble in the hay with some sexy hunk, but unfortunately for me, it's all our movie's fault.

So here's my words of advice for those of you who think they're on top of things:

One. If a guy is late by twenty minutes when he's supposed to pick you up on Monday, it's probably just because he can't find your place easily yet. If on Tuesday he's twenty-five minutes late, it's just because his girlfriend is sick and he has to go comfort her and forgot about you.

IF, ON THE OTHER HAND, he shows up on Wednesday on your doorstep at the time where you're both supposed to be arriving at your common destination (meaning he's late by at least fifteen minutes), you shouldn't just say, "Dude, nice shirt." Seriously. That's not the best way to help him with his reliability issues.

Two. If, on the occasion that your lift, who for the sake of simplicity will be forthwith named 'Slim', happens to show up at eight on your doorstep when the meeting time is the very same eight o'clock, only five kilometers from where you live, it is probably safe to tell him to wait so you can grab your camcorder. You are, after all, already late anyway. And besides, considering your combined tendencies to make utter fools of yourselves when left to your own devices, it's a good idea to catch it all on tape.

Three. If you show up on a filming spot that has a conveniently wooded area that is plunged into darkness because of nightfall, bring flashlights, gloves and halloween costumes. It's amazing what sort of tomfoolery can be imagined when you have a camera on hand to add to the mix.

Four. If Slim ever suggests a foray into the dark creepy woods with flashlights, gloves, Halloween costumes and a camera, you can't just say 'no'. Because what sane, fun-loving person would?

Five. If by chance you get lost in the woods, don't let Slim put his hands around your neck and start breathing like a zombie outta RE. He's probably out to get you. If, however, you can't stop laughing about it because of the way he's dressed (overalls, gas mask, fur hat and eskimo boots), you're likely to make it out alive.

Six. If on returning from your expedition into the woods Dom and Gen, your producers, ask you if "your kinky sex practices are over and can we get on with the movie already?", it's not a good idea to laugh like a madperson. It's also wise to repeat for the fiftieth time that Slim is loyal to his girlfriend. It's not a good idea to let Dom's comment that "the two of you are like an old couple" get to you. Because what the hell does he know?

Seven. If it gets really cold at night, it is acceptable to steal the clothes of the guys on set. Because they're guys and they're always overdressed anyway. If, however, they're just as chilled as you are, it is wise to check Slim's backseat for extra clothes, because he has his whole wardrobe there. Just don't forget to give him his snow suit pieces afterwards.

Eight. If your set requires the use of electricity, gas, and water in the same perimeter, it is not particularly wise to forget about it and just "let things be, guys!" Because water and electricity don't mix.

Nine. If John the Male Lead starts flirting with you because the microphone is in his car, and his car is insonorized, and he knows you're the only one who can hear him because you're the only one with the earphones, it is not wise to blush and giggle like a moronic schoolgirl. It is, however, acceptable to think his beatbox moves are awesome.

Ten. If Slim suddenly declares that he's hungry, it's probably that he's going to drag you off the set (even though the set merely consists of a car, parked on a very dark street, lit by projectors and being soaked by a water sprinkler to simulate rain ―very efficient, by the way, as tacky as it sounds) in the very near future and subject you to more of his philosophical talk as you go off in the search for Tim Hortons Timbits.

Eleven. If Slim makes you laugh too much, just tell him to shut up. If he refuses, ask him a question to divert his attention. Example: "Hey, did you cut your hair?"

Twelve. If you realise that you, Slim and Gen are all contributing nothing but off-camera stupidity, it's probably that you're being useless. Use this to your advantage and have Slim tell everyone his (and your) life story, or do yoga moves in the middle of the street (Salute to the Sun, everyone). Also, feel free to discuss your respective love lives in their gory detail, from heartbreaks to love victories, then moving on to your birthday impressions.

Thirteen. If you feel your heart pang when Slim admits that none of his friends ever did anything special for his birthday because it's during the March break and everyone's on vacation, it's probably the sign that you aren't, as you previously thought, an ice bitch. If you swear to yourself that you're going to try to slip a word to the guys about Slim's disappointment that they won't even drop by to say hello on his birthday, you're a fucking softie and should grow a backbone, for god's sake.

Fourteen. If at quarter to midnight the Mormon neighbours walk out of their house to inquire about the projectors and the water sprinkler, just tell them the truth. Having Slim put on his combine gas mask is not the appropriate course of action to prevent awkward neighbouring relationships.

Fifteen. If around ten past midnight the Timbits are all gone and John the Male Lead thanks you with a sexy grin for the donuts, even though it was all Slim's money, keep your cool, beam a bright smile at him and say, "It's my pleasure!" Trying to get a rise out of Slim by saying that you intend to make him pay for all the forthcoming donuts is inefficient: at this time of night, Slim is too delirious with exhaustion to entertain any anger or fight his natural feelings of friendly glee.

Sixteen. If Dom steps out of the car and claims that it is finally time for Slim and you to work your magic, sound-wise, it is not necessary to say, "What?" Just pretend you know what he's talking about.

Seventeen. If you finally figure out what Dom meant, set up the sound equipment in the car and try to ignore how all the steam on the windows looks like a scene from the Titanic. Also ignore how you're alone with Slim in the car, because that's just awkward.

Eighteen. If you come to the point where you have to record the creepy sounds, meaning the voice and thumps of a woman in the car trunk, do not let the team bully you into being the car trunk volunteer. Use every means necessary to convince them it is not a good idea. Also, find a final argument that is better than Gen's ("I'm claustrophobic.") because otherwise you're going to have to get in the bloody car trunk anyway.

Nineteen. If John the Male Lead helps you into his car trunk, don't blush and try to joke it off. Because being helped into a car trunk isn't romantic. It's just weird.

Twenty. If Dom tells you with all the seriousness in the world that he'd like to cover your mouth with duct-tape to make it more believable, flick him off and argue that you would rather die. Ignore Slim's comment that it's ironically what happens to the Car Trunk Woman in our scenario. Tell Slim to go do something to himself that is physically impossible.

Twenty-one. If you want to have a supporter in the situation, go for John the Male Lead. Meekly, ask him for a flashlight and thank him with a smile and a cute joke. Watch as he can't stop looking at your chest. Thank God for Jacob Lingerie padded bras and water sprinklers.

Twenty-two. If you feel yourself hyperventilate at the idea of being locked into a car trunk for an unknown duration of time, comfort yourself by thinking that meanwhile, Slim will have to endure your shrieks through the earphones. Use your last moments in the open to remind everyone that you've never done any acting in your life. Ignore Slim's experienced acting comments and attempts to put you in the right mood. Because that involves shaking the dark trunk and yelling threats. Asshole.

Twenty-three. If John the Male Lead smiles at you gently and asks you in a husky voice as you curl in his car trunk whether you're going to be comfortable, it is interesting to comment the following: "Yeah. Thank god your trunk is so big." Watch as Mac, Dom and John the Male Lead shift their weight from one leg to the other while clearing their throats. Ignore Slim's laughter from inside the car.

Twenty-four. If, with a last smile, John the Male Lead gently shuts the car trunk over you, plunging you into darkness, it is interesting to say not a word until Slim, from within the confines of the car ―now the only one in the crew to actually hear whatever you're doing and saying― inquires in a nervous voice, "Um, CM?" Allow yourself to sound a little pathetic, just to see how he reacts, by saying, "Yeah?" in a weak voice. Hold back your smile when he says, gently, "Yeah, don't worry, okay? I'm just going to work through the sound test for now, so if you could give me a sample scream, I'll set it up as fast as I can so we can get this overwith."

Twenty-five. Do not believe Slim when he says he'll only need one sample scream.

Twenty-six. If in a sudden fit of paranoia, you feel your resolve crumbling and realise that you, indeed, have no idea how to scream convincingly because you have never done any acting in your life, it is alright to ask Slim, the resident theatre freak, how you should go about it. Do not let his very convincing panicked screams, pleas and sobs undermine your weak confidence. He's got more practice than you do.

Twenty-seven. When Slim announces the audio clip in the microphone and says, "Whenever you're ready, CM," take a few deep breaths. Then start screaming, pleading, sobbing and begging for freedom, until your voice is hoarse and you have real tears in your eyes because you're only half-faking your panic and because your flashlight just died and you're getting into character a little too easily.

Twenty-eight. If Slim cuts off the sound, waits a moment, then breathes "Are you alright?", it is okay to smile, because it is not easy to impress Slim.

Twenty-nine. When Gen reminds you both that you now need to do the thumping sounds, avoid groaning. Grouchiness leads nowhere. When Slim asks you for more sound-tests, do not exhaust yourself. Note: When a fist hits metal, the most likely to get injured is not the metal.

Thirty. When Slim suddenly cries out that your thumping sound-tests sound exactly like "the best damn base drums I've heard in ages!" do not laugh. Especially don't laugh when he jokes that he'll have you put into a car trunk and follow partitions in his next show. Because that's not funny. It's not.

Thirty-one. Hitting car trunk insides is not fun. Avoid doing it if you're not in mortal danger. Seriously. It hurts. A lot.

Thirty-two. When you're done with the sound recordings, do not freak out when Slim says, "Um, CM, we have a problem. The car trunk latch is blocked. We can't open it." He's just pulling your leg. It's what he does.

Thirty-three. Show extreme gratitude for John the Male Lead when he bypasses Slim's joke and lets you out at last. Because flirting shamelessly with someone you'll never end up actually dating is fun. Ignore Slim's eye-roll.

Thirty-four. When exiting a car trunk, it is imperative to do it slowly. Otherwise you might fall, and that'd be uncool. Unless you're the type to latch onto John the Male Lead. In that case, knock yourself out. Literally.

Thirty-five. After a performance in a car trunk, you have the right to just sit down and let everyone else put the equipment away. Smile if Slim compliments you on your convincing pleas.

Thirty-six. At one in the morning, it is appropriate to hurry up with the goodbyes and just hop back into Slim's warm car for the drive back home. Laugh as you realise that the only CD he has at the moment is a relaxation CD. You can safely inquire about what happens if you boost relaxation music to the maximum volume. It is, however, recommended that you keep an eye on the road, especially if you're both laughing too hard at the loud result to focus properly.

And finally, thirty-seven: if Slim drops you off with a smile, say thank you for the lift and the unecessary gallantry of his doing a detour for you. Answer in kind when he shrugs it off and bids you good-night. Ignore his direct gaze and tell yourself that if he treats his girlfriend even better, it's no wonder she's hanging off his every word and action like a baby koala.

You can heed my advice. I'm speaking from experience.

Love,
CM