Okay, okay

As I write this I'm sitting in university waiting for Gabe to call me. We're going to Will's place tonight. Will, in case, I didn't mention him, is the newest addition to my friends. He's insane, a total geek, and he's about as random as the rest of us, in a very talkative and happy package. We're going for a relaxed video-viewing evening, with the possible inclusion of beer into the equation. I don't know. Frankly I'm not up for drinking these days, but you know how it goes.

Seriously. One glass and I'm wasted. I have SO lost my drinking habits.

... I can sense the accusing stares. Okay, I'm aware I haven't written in a while. Those who haven't given up on me (I got a message a while ago about a poke and a question like "are you dead?" which sort of reminded me I used to have time, a long time ago) will hopefully remember the following facts about me:

1. I'm in university;
2. I have a boyfriend;
3. And time-consuming friends/work/school projects.

Also, I am stressed.

Stress, it turns out, can strike even when you're doing just fine. To be quite frank, nothing in my life is going wrong these days. I have a wonderful, hilarious, completely adorable-slash-handsome boyfriend who looks at me with more love than I could ever write about, I have a steady almost-no-sweat income of 800$ a month, I'm studying screenwriting, and, starting next year (provided my request is accepted) I'll be doing a bachelor's in literature, more specifically, the creation of.

And yet, I'm stressed.

It could be that I'm nervous about being accepted into the lit program (although, with my current grades, I should hope it's not an issue), or simply that I don't remember the last time I had an actual day off. That is, I work in an office furniture warehouse weekends and Wednesdays, and the rest of the time I'm in school, or on the bus, or the metro, or somewhere in between trying to pull together five or six screenplays in time to view the movies we're required to take notes on (hard job? Not really, but time consuming).

The stress could also come from the fact that I have deadlines to respect, although I've dealt with those all my life, so why should they be stressful? Or from the fact that Gabe is struggling to pay his apartment in Verdun, gas for his car, studies, food, and, since yesterday, 650$ worth of car repairs, mostly because he's got a broken headlight, worn-out brakes and a flat tire.

If any of you believe I'm an expense, believe me, the only expense he makes for me is gasoline. I pay for my food, I pay for my drink, and I split expenses with him when necessary.

Thankfully, Gabe has got a new job in Verdun that should help him pay for life's expenses.

Ah, Gabe just called. His car is fixed. He's going to call me again when he arrives in Verdun from Vaudreuil, and then again when he makes it to the Berri-UQAM metro station.

The upside of this university, it turns out, is that you have access to everything without ever needing to step outside. Right now big flurries of white snow are blowing all over. We got a snowstorm two days ago, after some warm temperature had made a lot of the white stuff melt. To my left is a big bay window with a view on St-Catherine street, and a church that was modified into another one of UQAM's pavillions. This pavillion too was a church once. On the right of the bay window is the grey stone of the arches; like an alien gothic revival structure in an ugly modern brick building. People dredge by, pretending they're not windblown. It's an oddly beautiful day: the sky is snow-coloured and the trees are frosted with sugar.

Slim was supposed to be at Will's tonight. He called this morning to say he wasn't going to be there after all, claiming he didn't want to talk about it. Distance has grown between us, but mostly because I'm not available to do things anymore. Slim has no job; I have so little time for myself that whatever time I DO have, I spend with Gabe.

You would too, if you noticed the difference in the way the two of them treat me. Slim, quite frankly, only considers me as an ear to talk to, and, occasionally, an advisor. Gabe, on his part, considers me a friend, a lover, a companion. Where Slim feeds me his stories, I have few opportunities to be heard as well. By contrast, things with Gabe are balanced and natural.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned how much I love him?

Let me put it this way. All those romance oneshots I wrote (while single and completely ignorant) are a mere shadow. I could not describe the chemistry that sparks between two like-minded people even if I tried. For that, I wish to express my apologies: all the things I wrote are outdated, superficial and naive. I couldn't know until I dared to ask Gabe for a kiss.

And that, right above, sounded like I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses, except that when you spend half your time, even after three months (speaking of which, our three month anniversary was on Valentine's day, by sheer coincidence) finding out new points you have in common, and completing each other's sentences, and laughing at the same times, you sort of realise there's something there that goes beyond mere fantasy. It's concrete, and it happens for real.

For real, you hear me?

Now let me ask you this. How could I ever presume to write more romance oneshots? I would never be pleased; I'd want it to be true to reality, that wonderful reality that I wish everyone to encounter. But I can't. I don't have what it takes. I don't think anyone does. I can write passion and delirium just fine. I can write embarrassment and anxiety. I can write about feelings of love and companionship. Except there's more. More that I CAN'T write, because it's tiny, in those little infinitely small moments where a look, a touch, a smile happens that says more than words could.

Soooo I've recycled myself. These days I write dystopian original fiction, with feedback from Will. Turns out that insane bastard has enough imagination to feed any uninspired weirdo. It's practical to bounce ideas off him, if exhausting.

I'm also working on a reaction oneshot for the latest Prince of Persia, which I finished two weeks ago and found brilliantly executed. If I finally get the time to keep working on it, I'll probably release it on ff.net.

What else is there to say? Am I slowing down with the online publications? Yes. I won't hide from it. My writing time is spent on school projects and original fiction, which I'm keeping in store... for stores, maybe, one day. As you can also tell, my blogging is moving along at a less than sluggish pace, for the same reasons. What is there for me to announce that will be interesting anyway? I'm at this point in the story where the last chapter has passed and the girl got the guy and everything is going good. I'm not even looking at a sequel in which things get crappy again. I hope that day doesn't come.

How can I sound dramatic and insane when there's nothing to warrant it? I know it sounds depressing but no one wants to hear about happy people. Nothing ever happens to them. In fact, as Eva, Slim and some other animated folk (*cough* Josie *cough*) have let me know, talking about my happiness tends to make people either jealous or ticked off. Mostly because they're aware of how they don't have the same thing I do.

And you know what? That anger is justified. I used to be one of them.

"That's ridiculous," Will told me the other day. "With anyone else but you and Gabe―" Will adores Gabe; the two get along like peas in a pod― "I'd feel frustrated, and acutely aware of my singledom. But how can I resent the two of you when you kiss in front of us? You're too beautiful together to resent."

Slim told me something along those lines, although he did warn me: "Yes. You match. It's amazing how you say the same things at the same time in random circumstances. You just... fit. But goddamn, Val, I'll admit I'm jealous. I want that too."

I wish everyone could find themselves a Gabe. That way I could talk freely about how disgustingly happy he makes me!

On that note, I have to get back to homework. Maybe I'll grab a snack, too. I'm getting hungry.

To all who remain, I should hope I'll post again before another two months have passed. 0.0

Love,
Val