Stupid pranks.

To relieve the stress caused by angry consumers, who seem to be growing steadily more rabid as Christmas draws near, the people of my department store refugee themselves ―taking turns― for a blissful break in the employees room for lunch and stay there until they have no choice but to return to their post.

Between directing Guy, who showed up unexpectedly at my job to look for houserobes for men (of which I did not know the location), and fighting off angry housewives who can multitask by screaming both in the phone, at their children and at innocent salespeople (like me), I finally got around to getting my long awaited break.

Resting one's legs on a crappy metal chair feels better than one would think.

Also, the employees' room is insonorized: no dingy Christmas music to break the wonderful sound of the Simpsons, which airs constantly and which most of us request to listen to.

Usually, I sit alone and eat my lunch while trying to let my muscles relax, or I sit with people from my department and talk.

But when Matt and 'Elisa' are in the room, there's no way you can just sit there and talk.

Both of them had gone to take-out some Teriyaki food and were back with their noodles, shrimp, hot sauce and vegetables. Elisa was trying to figure out how to eat with chopsticks next to me, while Matt kept showing off his chopstick management skills (by deftly munching on a shrimp using those same chopsticks).

When Elisa finally gave in to Matt's teasing suggestions to use a plastic fork, a guy from the depot came in, looking half-dead. He mauled Matt on the way to the vending machine. I'll call him Grim.

Grim, like most guys who work in the depot, wears a constant exhausted face and refuses to take his hat off.

While Grim was busy choosing an lemon Nestea can, Matt teased Elisa about not eating hot sauce. At this point, another cashier from my department enters the room and sits across from me, shooting a slightly pained look at the seafood Matt ordered.

Matt notices this. "You don't like seafood, Rachel?"
She grimaces. "No. Actually. But hot sauce is good."
"Here," Matt says, "have some."
Elisa: "You can't just eat hot sauce alone. It's bad enough when it's mixed with stuff, but just plain... ergh."

Grim returns. He opens his can, takes a mouthful, then places it on the table in front of Matt. "Guard this with your life. I shall return. And don't―" He interrupts himself as Matt takes the can up and takes a long sip. "I was about to say don't drink from it, but I see now that I am too late."

Matt shrugs and puts the can back on the table. "Fate sucks, man. Go get some Teriyaki."

"Fine."

And Grim leaves. We all stare at Matt. He shrugs.

"I've been to Vermont with that guy on a roadtrip of epic proportions. If anyone can drink from his can, it's me."
Rachel, flatly: "Vermont isn't epic. It's just off the border. You can get there in less than six hours."
Matt: "Shut up."
Rachel: "Well, it's true."

Matt ignores this, however, and contemplates the can. "I've known Grim since kindergarden. With all the pranks we've done to each other..." He pauses. Then, he slowly smiles. "Elisa, hand me your hot sauce."

Elisa, quickly understanding what he's about to do, says, "No. No."
Matt: "Come on. He's done worse to me. Compared to our usual stuff, this is tame."
Rachel: "Use your own."
Matt: "Fine."

He picks up his little hot sauce container and, with his chopsticks, drops a little into the ice tea can. He then stirs it slowly. Suddenly deciding that this will not be enough, he pours the entire contents of the container into the can, along with a cold noodle, and stirs it gleefully, under our disgusted eyes.

He puts it back down. Five minutes later, Grim reenters the employees' room with his own Teriyaki take-out and sits next to us. We make small-talk, all the while keeping an eye on Grim and the can, waiting with hidden anticipation for the moment when he'll finally take a sip from it.

At long last, he lifts it to his lips. We hold our breath.

He takes a sip.

He puts the can down.

He swallows his mouthful.

And asks, without the singlest expression, "Did you put hot sauce in my can?"

Matt looks impish. "Was it good?"

Grim looks dubious. "I thought at first I'd taken too much hot sauce into my mouth from my bite. But your face told me everything."

Matt nods. "I see. Hand it over." He takes a careful sip from the can, then says, slowly, "Hey. It ain't that bad."

Elisa takes the can from him. "Let me try. ... Hey, it's not bad at all."

Before Matt can take the can back, Elisa took another mouthful of the drink.

"It's crazy," she says. "I'm addicted."

Matt exclaims, "OH MY GOD WE CREATED LIQUID CRACK!"

Grim, flatly, examines Elisa's glee. "If you really like it, we are totally commercializing this."

Elisa puts the can down and slowly, her face distorts into a grimace. "... Um, actually, it's starting to burn my throat and it's bloody disgusting."

All: "Awww."
Matt: "Oh well."

So I may not have played TP today yet, but I still got a few laughs. Joy!

Love,
CM