More Exhibitionism

I am so awesome.

No, really, I am.

In a way, I guess I should have been assistant-producer this term rather than a measly sound operator. I mean, I'm kind of the only thing keeping this operation together, as it were.

Oh, my teammates are still as awesome as usual, and I still love them...

But damn, do they need to get their act together!

I'd made reservations yesterday for a richly decorated hall in an old mansion near where we live. We were to film there from 1:00PM to 9:00PM. The room was to play the role of "The Goddess of Love's palace" (read: her base of operations and the place where she keeps her... er, pets).

Our filming schedule indicated we were to arrive there at 2:00 and start filming at 3:00 after setting everything up. We weren't to disturb anyone and we CERTAINLY weren't going to make a nuisance of ourselves, or spread the word about this place we'd gotten for free.

It was 1:00 when I asked Slim, who was the only member of my team I could see in the cafeteria, "Hey, how are you getting to S-Hall?"

He shrugged and said, "I'm supposed to call Laura now about that. Except she won't answer her phone."

We get through to Laura twenty minutes later. We're running behind schedule.

Which is when she asks me who has the equipment. I take a stab and presume it's Gabriel.

"Gabriel is at work until, like, four."

I can't believe this. "So," I ask, slowly getting my sense of panic, "who has the equipment?"

"The technician does. We have to rent it again."

"And who has the tapes?"

"Gabriel does, I think. I don't know."

"We don't know who has the tapes??"

"I don't know!" Laura is panicking. She panics very easily.

"Okay," I say, forcing myself to calm down. "It's okay, Laura, we'll figure this out."

"I won't have enough space in my car for you, Slim and the equipment, though," she says, her voice still a little hysterical.

I think quickly. "Okay, don't worry about it. I'll figure that out too. Look, you just get here and Slim and I will join you in front with the equipment." A glance at Slim reveals he heard this plan and is picking up his backpack. "Hey, do you know where Maria, AA and Iva are?" I ask Laura.

"I don't know!"

"Okay, it's okay. I'll find that out too. You just get here asap."

"Alright. See you!"

We hang up. Slim's raised brow deserves him a whole playback of what was just discussed. He nods and we hurry to the elevator. I call Mom.

"We need a lift for the equipment," I say, "Can you come?"

"I'll be there in five minutes."

Ten minutes later, Slim and I walk out of the technician's lab with our arms full. I'd learned from Melanie that Iva and AA were in class. Which makes no sense because I'd told them to skip class that afternoon! But whatever.

Slim is carrying the massive box of lighting and the camera, I carry the sound console, the tripod, the mic'... Down four storeys.

Mom and Laura are both waiting with their cars; we load things into them, until Laura asks, "Hey, how is Theo getting there?"

Theo, our actress, hadn't given any sign of life in the past few days. I glance at Slim, and he stares back blankly. Why I looked to him for answers, go figure. Obviously he wouldn't know; I'M the one who should know.

"Oh, shit," I mumble to myself. "Okay, here's what we'll do, Laura," I say to her as her eyes widen in growing panic. My voice is as steady and firm as I can make it. Sometimes looking in control ―even when you're not― is what gets things going. "Mom and I will fetch Theo, and you two go on to S-Hall first. We'll join you there."

Laura calms down and smiles. "Yeah, okay, we'll do that." She glances at Slim. "Do you know how to get there?"

"Vaguely," he says.

I sigh. "Okay, look. You go down the boulevard as far as you can until you reach the lakeside road. Turn left. It's there. You can't physically miss it."

"That's it?" Laura asks. "Isn't it better to take highway 20?"

I stare at her and try not to grab her shoulders to shake them like a madwoman. My composure is flawless. "What? Why would you take the 20? It runs parallel to the lakeside..."

"It's faster. I'll take the 20, and then Carter―"

"What the hell," I say. "I'm telling you. You take THAT boulevard," I say, gesturing to the boulevard like a hundred meters away, "Run it all the way down south, and turn LEFT. That's it. End of story."

"But the lakeside―" Laura starts, clearly confused.

"Just take the boulevard and turn left," my Mom suddenly calls from her car, exasperated.

"Oh." Laura seems to accept my mother's word.

"Look," Slim says to me as I try not to foam at the mouth, "We'll meet you there."

"I think I'll still take the 20," Laura says, to Slim as I walk away. "I know that way better."

"She said just now it'd be a detour," Slim says, and as they both shut their car doors, I can't hear anymore of that crap. I hop into Mom's car and sigh.

"So, what's the plan?"

"We fetch Theo then head to the Hall."

I call Theo.

"Hey, Theo, we're coming to fetch you. Do you have the red dress we need you to wear?"

"Um, no, Iva was supposed to bring that one," she says.

"Oh, right. Okay, cool." NOT COOL. IVA IS IN CLASS UNTIL 4:00! "Well, we're coming. You going to be ready?"

"Yep."

We trail behind Laura's car for a while. At the intersection for her to head towards the boulevard, though, she signals that she's going to turn IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.

Having noticed me in her rearview mirror, Laura is waving cheerfully. I call her cell phone.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"Why are you going that way? TAKE THE BOULEVARD AND TURN LEFT ONCE YOU REACH LAKESIDE."

"But―"

"JUST. DO. IT."

"Are you sure?"

I hear Slim saying something in the background. In front of us, he's gesturing in the other direction.

"Oh," Laura says on the line. "Oh, okay."

I hang up. "God, it's no wonder she's always late."

Mom is rolling her eyes. She thinks my team isn't as great as I know it is.

We get Theo. I call Maria, whom I know doesn't have class that day.

"Maria, it's CM; will you be at the shoot today?"

"No, I can't... Hey, do you have the ten hot guys we need?"

I feel dread seep into my veins. The point of the Goddess of Love's palace is that it's always full of half-naked hot guys at her every beck and call.

I ask, "Wait. Didn't you talk to that dude who studies at firefighting school or something?"

"Yeah, and he said the guys were too busy," she says with dismay.

I want to scream, AND YOU WAITED 'TIL NOW TO TELL ME? But I keep my composure. "Okay. Okay." I'm on the verge of hyperventilation. And not the good kind. "Okay. I'll... I'll figure something out." This seems like a statement that loses its truth every time I say it.

"You'll figure something out." Maria's tone reveals she's not nearly as gullible as Laura.

"Yeah." God, where's our assistant-producer? This is HER job, not mine! "Where's AA?"

"She works this afternoon," Maria says. "She won't be there."

"Okay," I say, feeling my nerves fail me as my temper rises. "So you're basically telling me that we're going to be a team of... what? THREE PEOPLE?"

"I'm sorry," Maria says, her temper also flaring. "It's not my fault! So how are you going to find the guys?"

"I'll figure something out."

"Right. Does Theo have her spare clothes?"

"Iva's supposed to bring the red dress."

"Yeah, but she needs a change of clothes for the other scenes..."

I feel more dread. I'm silent for a moment until, "What?"

"DOES SHE HAVE SPARE CLOTHES?"

I turn to Theo, who can see the panic in my eyes. "Do you have a change of clothes?"

Theo frowns. "What? No..."

"No, she doesn't," I tell Maria. "I thought we only needed Iva's dress..."

"OH MY GOD LAURA WAS SUPPOSED TO BRIEF THEO ABOUT THIS."

"Well, she didn't. Look, we'll figure something out about that too. If there's anything, I'll call you again."

I hang up. I am officially overwhelmed.

"Something is wrong," Mom says.

"No kidding. Right now Slim is in a moron's car with half the equipment, we don't have a change of clothes for Theo, the dress she's supposed to wear is with Iva, who won't be available before 4:00 this afternoon, the cassettes are with Gabriel who is half an hour away at work, and who hopefully finishes at 3:00 but we can't be sure. On top of that, we're shortstaffed and we need at least six hot guys who are willing to take their shirts off, and we don't even have ONE. Not to mention that I feel completely guilty about keeping Theo that long!"

It was 2:00PM.

"It's okay," Theo says. "I'm sorry about the change of clothes thing... Nobody told me..."

"It's okay, it's not your fault," I assure her. "We'll... er..."

"Figure something out," Mom says, flatly. "Some team you have. You know they'll rely on you to fix everything."

"No. No, I hope they don't..."

They did.

Especially when we came in and Laura remembered we needed 1. a throne for the goddess (!!!) and 2. PB's red phone as an accessory. And we couldn't remember where it was (had Gabriel taken it? Had PB taken it back? Was it still at Maria's?).

"Do you at least have the folders for Theo?" I ask. "The ones she'll be leafing through in scene 8?"

Laura blinked at me. "What? ... Oh my god, no! I forgot!"

I am ready to surrender arms. 'Dig a hole and bury me in it, please', I want to ask the janitor who is standing at the door to the huge room I rented.

Wait. Janitor?

"Um, hello," I say, in my friendliest tone. I think that just because all your efforts are falling apart doesn't mean you have to be rude.

"Hey there," the man ―Raymond― says. "I'm Raymond. I believe you're the team who was supposed to film here?"

I take his outstretched hand and pray he won't tell us it's suddenly unavailable. "Yep, that's us. I'm CM, from the reservation."

"Pleasure to meetcha," he says, grinning. "Is everything okay? I figured I could be of some help. Maybe?"

"Really?" I can't believe this. "Help us?"

"Yeah. It's a slow day. What can I do for ya, CM?" He gives a head-to-foot look at Slim, who happens to be much taller than him, and who came to stand nearby. "Hey there, you part of this young lady's team? I'm Raymond."

"Slim," Slim says, firmly shaking his hand, also smiling. He motions to Laura. "That's Laura, and that's Theo, our actress. She's to play the Goddess of Love."

"Congratulations," Raymond says, to Theo, nodding. We laugh. Raymond turns back to me, apparently having decided that I'm the brains of the operation. "So, you need anything?"

"Um... technical question," I start, and motion to all the plugs around the room. "All those plugs, are they on different breakers? How many breakers are in this room?"

"Hard to tell," Raymond says. "But if you want, I can get you some powerbars."

"That'd be great," Slim says. "And about the music playing right now..."

"I can turn that off, too," Raymond says. "No trouble."

"And one last thing," I say, with the sweetest smile I can summon. "We'd need a throne."

"A throne?" Raymond echoes, amused. "Wow. Easy starter, aren'tcha?"

I try to laugh this off. "Yeah, I know it sounds kind of imposing, but Aphrodite needs to sit on something grand, and our team isn't coming through about that..."

"Say no more," Raymond cuts me off. He turns to look at Slim again, evaluating his frame. "You, there, Slim."

"Yeah?"

"You seem like a strong fella. You mind helping me carry the thing from the basement to here?"

"No problem."

"You're really going to do this? You actually have one?" I am gobsmacked.

"Sure I do, darling. We'll be right back."

And so we had a throne.

"Laura," I said then, "call up some of your guy friends. We need them to pose shirtless."

"They won't want to. Besides, it'll be awkward to ask them―"

"Laura. JUST. CALL. THEM. We have NOTHING to lose at this point."

"CM's right!" Slim called before he walked out.

With that, I call up Drew and Guy. Drew was stunned by the urgency of my request, but finally agreed. Guy was a long way away. Near where Gabriel works.

I called Gabriel, hoping he'd answer me even though he was working.

He did.

"Gabriel, fetch one of our naked men ―Guy― from his place as soon as you finish your shift. Then bring the tapes."

"Alright, I will. Gotta go. See you."

"CM?"

I turn to Theo, who is holding her phone to her ear, clearly in the middle of a conversation. "Yeah?"

"If you want, I have two guys who'll come to do the work also... If you want."

"I very much want."

"Okay!"

Someone knocks at the door. I go to open it.

"Hey," two tall and cute guys say to me as I try not to stare. "We're the team Pierre hired to film your making-of... Can we come in?"

"Oh my god, guys, you're coming at a bad time, nothing's happening... I mean, come on in, but we're in the middle of a crisis right now."

"Crisis? Awesome, we need a little drama here." One of the guys pulls out a camera and starts filming.

I watch them walk in and greet Theo, whom they are already acquainted with.

"Hey, guys," I call after them. They turn to look at me. "How do you feel about taking your shirts off for the movie?"

I was met with confused blinking.

"Err..."

"Just think about it, okay?" I say. "Laura!"

"Yeah?"

"Any results?"

"They all said no."

"Hey, I want to get naked," one of the making-of guys says.

"Yeah, don't count on me."

"We have a throne," Slim says, walking in. "Look!"

I am elated. The throne in question is all ornate wood and leather cushions. Wow. Things are slowly looking up.
Now. About the red phone. A quick call to PB's cell gets no answer. I then call Maria. "Maria, where is the red phone?"

"I have it," she says, and I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Okay, perfect. Look, we'll be coming by to fetch it."

"Laura is so disorganized. SHE should be overseeing this. Not you."

"Whatever. Can you also prepare the folders and some change of clothes? You're about the same frame as Theo."

"I'll do that now."

"Okay, I'm leaving now. We'll be there as soon as we can." I hang up, then, "Laura, come on, we're driving to Maria's place. Slim?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I leave you to watch over everything?"

"Sure..."

"You'll be fine?"

He looks at the guys from the making-of, and Theo. "Yeah. I'll be okay. I'll start setting up."

"Thank you so much! Okay, we'll be back."

We were back an hour later. Maria had already prepared everything, so we were late only because of traffic. I was a nervous wreck the whole drive through, mostly because I hated the long wait and detours.

So I couldn't help but feel immense relief when I finally walked through the Hall doors and saw that Drew, Gabriel and Guy had arrived, that the tapes were ready, that the spotlights were installed, and that some eight or nine really good-looking guys were waiting around for instructions.

It was four fifteen.

"Damn, I'm good," I joked to Laura, who apparently thought I was hilarious.

"All that's missing now is Iva's red dress," Gabriel reminded me.

I stared him through. "You mean she isn't here yet?"

"Unreachable," he said.

I refrained from groaning and walked back out of there to get a clear reception.

"Iva, it's CM. Where are you?"

"I'm waiting for Melanie to finish her class at four thirty. I'll be there as soon as I can."

We waited. And waited.

By quarter to five, I am sick of waiting in the same dark room. I walk out with my cell phone (actually, it's the family cell phone, but it's mine for as long as I need it), Slim on my heels. He'd just uttered a totally not-subtle, "God, where are Iva and Mel? Those girls can't be relied on. I'll go wait for them outside." Even though it's obvious he just wants to see Iva soon.

Way to go, Slim.

I watch as Slim jumps down the front steps into the cool air of the afternoon. "Damn, when they get here, I am kicking their asses," he says, even though I know this is not a natural behaviour for him. If it had been me, for instance, he wouldn't have bothered to put a lookout.

I am not fooled, and he sees it plainly in my flat expression when he turns around.

"I think we both know," I say, ready for a long philosophical debate, "that you will be doing no such ass-kicking where a certain young lady is concerned."

He looks abashed, which I consider to be a good sign. At least he's not going to deny it. "Yeah, okay, maybe not."

"Am I the only one who knows you have a crush on Iva?"

Yeah, okay, so sue me. I'm direct. Whatever.

He looks panicked. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, puh-lease," I say, in shock that he'd try to deny anything that obvious, "who do you think you're kidding here?" I can't believe this.

"I don't― What the HELL are you talking about?"

You know how you can 'overdo' disgruntled incomprehension? Yeah. Picture that.

"Slim, admit it, please, so we don't have to go over this again. You have a crush on her."

"It's not a crush. I just happen to dream about her, and sure, the day after feels like a crush, but it only ever lasts a day!"

Bottom line, my brain says, he's crushing.

"You have got to be kidding me," I say. "If you won't call it a crush, what is it? It kind of has all the symptoms of a crush."

"You really misunderstood everything," he says, in a final tone. "You keep on living in your misinformed state."

I'm walking away to stretch my legs. He follows me from a couple meters back, as though he's wary. "I think you have a crush on her and are too prideful to admit it," I say out loud, stretching my arms and legs.

"I don't, okay? I don't. Stop thinking that." I'm still taking long strides towards the park next to the mansion. "Would you stop walking away? Oh, you know what? Just... you just go on walking away, then. You'll regret it someday."

I turn, amused. He sounds petulant.

"And who'll be keeping count?" I ask. "You?"

"You never know. It might be the end of you." He's half-serious, and half-joking.

"I'm shaking." I take a deep breath. "Hey... I feel like running."

"... I get those urges too," he says thoughtfully. "I think my body was made to run."

"Maybe you want to run to greet Iva and Mel who just entered the parking lot?"

"WHAT?" He turns, spots Iva's car, and starts a sprint.

I mean a literal sprint. The kind that won him medals in high school.

I watch him go and heave a sigh. Boys.

But at least we had the dress. It was five.

I re-entered the room and watched as Gabriel ordered everyone around. Theo and Laura left to get changed, so Mel and I were left in a room full of attractive guys who were getting eager to take their clothes off.

Yeah. I know. Dream job.

When Slim came back in, he, Gabriel, and that one guy for the making-of were the only guys still wearing shirts. Mel leaned towards me to bemoan this fact in a whisper, motioning to the guy doing the making-of, "They're all hot but the hottest is a prude!"

I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"Oh, Mel, gimme a sec," I'd chuckled.

Ten minutes of gentle coercion later, Slim and Gabriel were the only guys still clothed.

"I feel awkward here," Slim said, jokingly, watching all the half-naked guys walking around. "I'm an intruder."

"Duh," I'd laughed, looking pointedly at his black Dream Theater shirt.

"Oh, shut up."

"Shit," Gabriel said. "We need a waiter to hold the red phone."

"Um," Mel started, "Aren't you a waiter by profession?"

"Shit."

And so Gabriel lost his shirt to join into the melée.

Which made Slim laugh, say, "Okay, well, I guess I have to hop onto the bandwagon."

So he took his shirt off too.

If there was such a thing as a hottie heaven, I want it to look like the one we created. Seriously.

"I love my job," I told Melanie a while later as all the guys rehearsed their kneeling and bowing.

"I love your job," Melanie said, slurping iced tea out of a Mickey D's tall cup.

And what's best is that I have everything immortalized on my own camera. I figured AA and Maria would want to see. (Lyx, I have got to send you some choice vids at some point.)

I was right. AA has shown me eternal gratitude. She and Iva and Maria spent time today reviewing the guys, to Gabriel and Slim's exasperation.

After filming today, actually, we stopped by Slim's place to watch the Habs get defeated by the Flyers, and discuss our rushes. At one point, we were all hanging out in Slim's room. I was browsing Internet on his computer, Gabriel and Iva were talking at his keyboard, Slim was gesturing wildly to explain something to Iva, and AA watched all this with a tired and somewhat amused smile.

Iva left at one point to check on the score downstairs, and we were talking with the guys until I heard Iva cry out the latest score.

"Iva is screaming," I said, flatly, to the two guys who perked to attention almost comically.

And, like proper guard dogs, they ran out of the room to check on her.

I rolled my eyes and thought no one had noticed.

But AA had. And she was laughing softly. I met her eye, and we exchanged a knowing, exasperated smile.

"Ten bucks says Gabriel wants Iva."

"Slim too," I said. "Are you sure about Gabriel? Doesn't he have a girlfriend?"

AA laughed, but her laugh was sarcastic. "They broke up a while ago."

"Aaah," I say, and pieces fall into place. "I'd noticed some flirty things going on."

Which was how AA and I started talking about Iva's status as an Alpha female, and how unfair it was that no matter what, AA and I were always going to remain Beta females.

Everyone knows about the Alpha MALE already.

But the Alpha female is also real. Guys don't see her, mostly because they usually already have a crush on her.

Girls, she's that girl who got all the guys, all the grades, was loved by all the teachers, did all the sports, was at all the parties, and treated you so nicely that she ended up being... your best friend.

I know the Alpha female. I lived in Kitty's shadow all through high school.

AA, on her part, has lived in Iva's shadow all her life.

And the thing is, as much as they make life hard for you... YOU CAN'T EVEN HATE THEM FOR IT.

"Because she's so nice!" AA exclaims, laughing and frustrated at the same time. "I mean, if she were a bitch or a snob... but she's not. I mean, she befriended a chubby girl like me! And she's so open and sweet."

"Natural charm," I agree.

"Yeah. I mean, it's like animal magnetism, this pull she has on guys. And she doesn't even know it!"

"You lie."

"I do not. I spend half my time telling her to stop encouraging their advances. Except she just thinks it's friendly business! Hellooo, like going to the movies with a guy isn't a date? God, if I wasn't there to hold them off, she'd unfairly be marked a tease. And she just wants a normal guy. Like, guys I'M not sure I'd go for, and I'm getting a little desperate."

I laughed.

"Iva's so sweet, except she's cursed with being allowed to get any guy... and not knowing how to choose. Not to mention that most guys, including the ones she likes, are so convinced she's out of their league that they stifle their crushes before they become big enough. It's maddening."

I am nodding. Nodding. Nodding. Just nodding. I know. I know what she's talking about. We're talking the same Beta female language.

"And all the guys I've had crushes on always ended up having a crush on Iva," AA says, in frustration.

Nod, nod, nod again.

"Do you really think Slim has a crush on her too?"

"If you don't leak it to anyone, I can tell you my suspicions. He denies it, but I think I know him... Anyway, I think he has a big weakness for her."

"God, he wouldn't be the first. Actually, he'd be gay not to. I also suspect Gabriel..."

"Yeah," I say, "now that you mention it... It's rather suspicious."

"I know. Thing is, CM..." AA leans forward, looking sad, "Iva thinks of them as friends... She's not... well... in love with any of them. I don't want to be there when the truth comes out."

"Don't worry," I say, waving it off. "I'm used to picking up Slim's pieces. Not to mention, he's so convinced he can't fit a girlfriend into his life right now, and how he figured she's out of his league... Nothing'll come of it. He's working very hard to fight it all off."

"That's really weird."

I shrug. "It's what I do."

"You pick up the guys' pieces too?" She laughs softly. "God, I'm the best friend all over the place as well. But only Iva is girlfriend material. If I didn't love the chick so much, I'd have to hate her."

I hear steps coming. I hurry to change the subject. A minute later, Iva comes in. "We lost the game!"

On her heels are both our moronic XY-chromosomers. They hurry to comfort Iva about the loss.

AA and I merely exchange looks and shrug.

List for the perfect man:
-Must appreciate what is just a little to the left of his current crush.

None of this, however, diminishes the fact that I am awesome.

Love,
CM