Floating on Clouds

Warning: If sex talk disturbs you, skip this entry. We'll be back to the usual program next time, promise.

As I write this, I am deprived of sleep, overworked, a little sick, and extremely dopey.

Sleep-deprivation is because I spent two late nights at school, doing some editing on AVID, which is pretty much the bane of my existence. It helps that Gabe picks me up every time at midnight, thereby driving 45 minutes from his place, just to lift me home and protect me from the evil stalkers that might attack me in public transit.

Overworked is because I have five projects to finish, a whole movie to film in two weeks, two screenplays to write and overlook, and a team of twelve people to organise.

Yeah, twelve people. That movie will be the death of me.

On the upside, some of those people are Slim, Ban, Anthony, Rick, PB, Melanie, Maria, AA, Iva, Gabriel, Jeremy, Patricia and myself.

Dopey is because I'm overworked and a little sick not just for the above reasons but because of Gabe.

Reactions to the news of my dating Gabe have been as varied as they were numerous.

Mom reacted with such enthusiasm that pretty much everyone in the family knew it before November 14th was over.

Our common friends congratulated me on making the move, because 'for the love of god, Gabe was getting lovesick and annoying, you have no idea. And no offence, but I was getting REALLY sick of hearing about how beautiful and amazing you are.'

The Swiss, Gabe's best friend, was ecstatic. He started joking about my stealing his only love from him, but Gabe assures me that the Swiss has never appreciated one of his girlfriends so devotedly. "He adores you," is what Gabe said, happily.

Ban was super excited, and apparently claimed that I was the woman every man dreams of marrying one day. This upset Gabe, who warned me he'd be very jealous if I went for Ban. I told him Ben Barnes was more of a threat to his hold on me. Gabe said somewhere in the world was a bullet with Ben Barnes' name on it. I convinced him to pack him up and fed-ex him to Lyx instead. He agreed.

Melanie, AA and Anthony congratulated us. Anthony shook Gabe's hand and jokingly said, "I should say poor you, though." Gabe hates Anthony with a passion. He did not take this kindly. He spent the rest of the evening glaring daggers at the man. It was hilarious.

Gabriel hardly reacted. He went, "Wait. That name rings a bell. Did he ever work at a grocery store?" I gave up trying to explain to him who Gabe even was.

Eva was ecstatic on my behalf, but mostly profoundly jealous. I have to watch my tongue around her now. She wants the relationship I have with Gabe, if not Gabe himself, and gives me a guilt trip if I ever express how happy I am. She doesn't handle her singledom very well.

Kitty hasn't said a word. I don't even know what she's up to these days.

Rox, apparently, took it like a champ. Gabe wanted to tell her about it first, on account of his rejecting her last Halloween by telling her he wasn't ready to have a girlfriend. She was a little sad, but she still seems willing to be his friend.

Josie had an explosive reaction. She always wanted Gabe, and did not take my easy victory over her constant efforts very well. She wrote me an incensed message asking me how long we've been dating and how do I 'even know him anyway?? Is this a joke like that time in France, 'cause it's not funny anymore, okay??' I told her it was all true, we've been hanging out for roughly six months thanks to Kels, and I'm very happy, thanks for the enthusiasm. She cooled off, congratulated me coldly, then went on to harass Gabe about his not telling her sooner. Josie exasperates Gabe: he thinks she's flighty and superficial. He reminded her that she hadn't contacted him in two months, so why would he confide in her?

Kels took it a bit rough. I strongly suspect she had a crush on Gabe and got replaced by me. I feel guilty about it, but still, she helped Gabe out with me, and I appreciate it. I promised her that I wasn't going to steal Gabe away and that we still wanted her to hang out with us and the gang. She's taken her distances, but I don't think she'll stay that way long. She just needs time.

Gabe's bipolar ex, whom he removed and blocked from his Facebook friends and MSN, used her last resort to remind him of her existence. She texted him to tell him she still thought about him and that she hoped he was happy.

Gabe: Translation: She thinks about me with pure rage and desperately hopes you broke up with me and that I'm miserable without her.

Slim, on his part, was reserved in his reaction. At first he was cheerful, but then he toned it down with a nasty, "We'll see how it goes in four months when you lose your rose-tinted glasses."

I haven't spoken about Gabe to him since. What a jerk...

Until last night, when Michelle, Liz, Slim, Gabe and I went clubbing at the Radio Lounge. Gabe and Slim actually talked about CKY and Bam Margera. Slim seemed surprised that Gabe knew about them, and relaxed from then on. They got along so well during the evening that I was extremely pleased. At the end, when Gabe went to retrieve his car keys from the parking guy, Slim took a long drag of his mini-cigar and said, "You and Gabe. You're cute together."

And that was Slim's way of giving his blessing. I kissed his cheek. He said nothing else. And that's alright.

Gabe is pretty much the cheese to my macaroni, actually. Objectively, we share the same sense of humour, musical tastes, movie tastes and er, fantasies. We have the same determination, the same impatience with imbeciles, we're possessive of each other, unfailingly loyal, blatantly honest with one another...

I trust him more than I trusted Slim. Gabe's extremely oblivious to peoples' behaviour towards him and obvious about his own feelings. In a way, I can read him like a book. But I don't mind. It's comforting. And he seems to enjoy how easily I understand him.

It also helps that he keeps repeating to me how much he loves me and how amazing I am, basically venerating the ground I walk on... He's loved me for five months, and he sometimes slips up about us growing old together. He's so cute.

All the same, I can't say I mock his behaviour. I am, myself, completely in love with him. He's absurdly handsome, cultivated, funny, deliciously demented, and he has the tiny evil side of a cat who likes playing with his prey before going in for the kill. He gets me so fast, I'm usually in shock.

Intimate moments aren't automatically passionate, but they're all extremely pleasant. Gabe makes me shiver with a single touch. I make him a little delirious.

I love making him delirious. He's ridiculously handsome, especially when he's shirtless under me and kind of losing his mind. Bahahaha...

I shouldn't be telling you this, but I will anyway because eh. If you've read me thus far it's not like I have anything to hide. And besides, even if you're only thirteen, odds are you've heard this stuff before (society standards dismay me, honestly). Anyhow, my favourite activity involving Gabe's body (because I have other activities involving his heart, his sense of humour or his intelligence, I assure you) would have to be pinning him down and torturing him.

He's a big fan, apparently, if the resulting lump in his jeans is any indication. And you can't blame me: he's so fit and strong that sitting on top of him and making his beg kinda gives me a kick.

"You know," he once breathed in my ear, "I am using all my will power right now. You are very close to getting violated, kitten."

I just smirked at him, and squeezed his wrists: "Shut up. I didn't give you permission to talk."

He breathlessly chuckled and dropped the topic. Or forgot it.

We tend to forget things a lot when we're together.

Anyhow, we're at the point where we're seriously considering making a list of all our fantasies and trying them out. I had no idea I was so interested in pleasing our senses until the day where Gabe claimed it was better to wait before going all the way. I hadn't really expected to hurry it up; waiting is always better, but now I have a hot living playground that I don't intend to waste.

"You know I'm going to use you for your body, right?" I asked him last Friday.

"Are you?" He breathed, kissing my throat and running one finger up my spine. Holy goats, this guy can drive me insane. The first time we made out he figured me out completely. He found all my sensitive spots after half an hour of petting and has since then expertly used my weaknesses whenever he senses he's losing an argument. The bastard is good.

"Definitely. I hope you don't mind."

"I think I should be alright. Did I ever mention I love your breasts?"

"You might've." His fingers trail on the bare skin of my waist. This is my WORST weak spot. "AaaaAAaah Gabe, you jerk―"

"I'm sorry, too busy admiring how beautiful you are. Call back later."

The winter will be fun if he keeps on spreading so much body warmth, too. I could easily cuddle up with him and just spend all my days that way.

"There's something very special and intimate," he said, as we lay under his comforter at his apartment in Verdun (a Montreal neighbourhood), "about falling asleep with someone. Like, sex isn't quite as special, somehow. Sleeping with a person is a show of trust... UGH VAL Do you want me to tackle you?"

Okay, and his weak spots are the lobes of his ears and his nape.

I grinned. "You know what I love about your apartment?"

"It's remoteness and the fact that there's no one to interrupt when you're feeling creative?"

"That," I said, leaning up on my elbow to look down at him. "And the fact that it's fifteen minutes away from UQAM."

"Yes. I think you should sleep here next term. As often as humanly possible."

"I think that's a good idea. But the other bedroom is already taken by your roommate..."

"I think there's space. Hm..... Like right here." He pats the mattress right next to him. "I think that this is a perfect spot for you, right in the crook of my arm."

I kiss him. "But what if I turn into a werewolf and start tearing you limb from limb?"

"I think I might develop a fetish for furries. So please don't do that. I'd be profoundly disturbed."

I can't help it. I crack up. I'm still kind of holding him down. Suddenly, I feel him pushing up on my hands. I fight him, but he pushes me up WAY too easily. I stare down at him in shock. I'm not lying on top of him anymore. I'm sitting upright, unable to push him back, and his arms are casually outstretched to keep me there.

I stare. "Do you do push-ups or something?" I know he goes jogging at night, but I didn't think he worked his musculature too. I thought his pecs were just large by nature.

"Of course," he says, smirking up at me. "How else am I supposed to stay the alpha in this relationship?"

"Oh, please," I say, rolling my eyes. "Like you mind that much."

He thrusts upward. Okay, so he also works that part. Damn, my boyfriend is hot.

I look around, absently rubbing his chest with one hand. Hm, yep. There they are. The comfy muscles I enjoy resting against. Gabe has a little bit of body fat, as opposed to Slim. He's really self-conscious about it, but somehow, it's kind of sexy. At least I'm not touching a hard bag of bones. And this way I actually have something to hug and straddle.

"What are you looking at?" He asks, absently caressing my stomach.

"Looking for furniture I can handcuff you to. Like that chair, right there."

"Never done it on a chair," he says, a little tightly.

"Me neither, obviously." He knows about Bass, and my crush on Slim. He also knows I have plans for his own body. He insists that I do as I please with him. I fully intend to do just that. "But I'm a little upset. We don't have any handcuffs to begin with."

I look down at him. He's looking up at me with a corner smile.

Simultaneously, we joke, "Let's go to that sex shop near Dick's." The second time we'd met over the summer, I'd offered to enter a sex shop while walking with him and Slim. He'd thought it so comical that it had made quite an impression on him. We laugh.

"Val."

"Yes?"

"Je t'aime."

"Hm. Moi aussi je t'aime..."

My reaction?

I've never been so happy.

Love,
Val

Okay, so maybe I'm in love again.

Except not with the usual suspect.

Gabe: Why do I have the impression that you're the one who wrote the description for your Facebook birthday event, Val?
Me: Because it's written "creator: Valerie"? Heehee
Gabe: ... I'm not that perceptive, Val, you give me too much credit. I based my conclusions on the general dementia that reigns in the text.
Me: Damn, I gave myself away. My ninja side still lacks subtlety.
Gabe: Pretty much. It's like telling everyone you're James Bond. Not so wise.

But he was Attending. I never expected it, and he was.

When I said we were going to Moe's, which he's always claimed to despise with a passion, he just shrugged and said, "Okay." Just because I'd asked him to be there.

How can I possibly explain to myself that this one guy could get under my skin so quickly?

Gabe: You absolutely NEED to watch Religulous. Actually, we should make a list.

Of movies we intend to watch together, that is.

Gabe: Fight Club, Religulous.
Me: Children of Men.
Gabe: Clockwork Orange, Pulp Fiction, Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket.
Me: Any movies with Jean-Claude Vandamme in them.
Gabe: LOL Oh, yesss Desert Heat. The cheesiest of them all!
Me: LABYRINTH, for your unhealthy desire to emulate David Bowie. You freak.
Gabe: It's magical. The Goblin King was supposed to be my Halloween costume this year. But then I decided to go for Alex from Clockwork Orange.
Me: Sexay. ... Oh, you ever seen When Harry Met Sally?
Gabe: Nope. Also, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Me: What? What?
Gabe: Nothing. It's just an expression I like to call "Gabe needs attention."

He has a habit of stealing me away from other parties, really conspicuously. When we watched the hockey game at Kels' two or three weeks ago, he called me mid-second round, when everyone was there, to say, "So, I'm in front of the house."

"Don't you want to come in?" Because he kind of knows Kels... Because we kind of know each other through her.

"Nah, I'd rather not. Kels will never forgive me for stealing her friends away. You come on out."

"Aaaargh alright, I'll gather my stuff and be there."

I hang up. Everyone is looking at me. Really awkwardly.

Michelle is the first to ask, "Where are you going? The game isn't over yet."

"I'm going out..."

This elicits a great variety of responses, most of which are either surprise or insinuation.

"Where?"

Kels already knows. I mentioned this to her before. As I go around the room, saying goodbye to everyone, she says, really loudly, "GABE IS STEALING MY FRIENDS!"

Ban, whom I was greeting goodbye to, stops me and says, "You're going on a date with Gabe?" Like he can't believe it.

I'm beet red. "No, it's not like that. We're just hanging out at his place with a couple of his friends."

But my case is closed in their minds from that point on.

And so what? It's been teaching Slim a lesson, and it feels DAMN good.

He also takes me to his apartment to watch movies. Like some time later, when we chose to watch Fight Club together. And the following day...

Gabe: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight / Risin' up to the challenge of our rival / And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night / And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger... Divinely inspired.
Me: Best song ever.
Gabe: Excuse me, I should go box my beef carcass.
Me: Hm, sexy.
Gabe: Yeah, I aspire to become as cut as Brad Pitt in Fight Club or else I deserve death. I must speak like him. Act like him. Think like him.
Me: Dress like him.
Gabe: I AM TYLER DURDEN.
Me: You are Jack's ambition.
Gabe: I'm also Jack's morning breath.
Me: OMG ewww XD
Gabe: Jacking that emoticon like now. XD YOINK
Me: Noooooes. Okay, but I'm keeping XP.
Gabe: Hm. I may still steal it from you one day. But I am already exhausted from the previous theft. I should start by getting thin. At once.
Me: I don't get it... You ARE thin...
Gabe: No.
Me: Yes...

Because he used to suffer from being slightly overweight during his childhood, Gabe is now convinced he's still obese. Even though I've never seen biceps like his. He isn't fat. At all.

Me: I am Jack's confusion.
Gabe: I am Jack's relentlessness.
Me: I am Jack's encouragement.
Gabe: LOL We could so have complete conversations like that.
Me: That's because I'm Jack's determination.
Gabe: I am Jack's lack of sense. You should punch me.
Me: I am Jack's mercy. I only punch those who deserve it.
Gabe: I am Jack's Pepsi addiction.
Me: I am Jack's exasperation at diluted Pepsi. The punch might come after all.
Gabe: I am going to lose the battle you keep owning me like that.
Me: So I'm seeing you at Moe's for Liz's and my birthday?
Gabe: Promised and sworn. Even though Moe's is atrocious.
Me: Oh, shush, it was Liz's idea.

Last Friday. On the whole way to Moe's, Michelle and Liz spent their time telling me I should make a move on him, that we'd make an amazing couple. Michelle was so adamant, I was slowly beginning to believe her when she claimed that he liked me more than other girls.

I mentioned that he'd been hit on numerous times, by Josie last year, one of his girl friends on Halloween, and that he had refused them all.

She said that he'd never gone after a girl like he did with me.

And I suppose it counts, if he added me on MSN and Facebook one day after we hung out (and laughed our asses off together) as a group two months ago. He speaks to me every day. He plans his nights in function of my availabilities. He insists on seeing me at least once a week...

Maybe he does like me...

If that's true, then that means I actually have appeal to a guy as hot as Gabe.

This is thrilling.

Hypothesis: I am attractive, maybe even hot.

It was for my twentieth birthday. Sure, my real birthday is only next Thursday, but I was partying on the 7th and 8th. For the occasion, I'd gotten a new haircut, bought new clothes, dressed up sexay, and been ready to pretty much knock everyone out. And I felt very good about it.

It worked: everyone started telling me how hot I was. Ban claimed he would gladly offer to have sex with me if he thought he had a chance. Liz's ex kept joking that I should French kiss him to make Liz jealous. Even Slim didn't avoid the jokes: he suggested I ought to watch my skirt's hem, because it might lift should he decide to violate me like a pirate.

All of this, I took with a laugh and a sip of whatever drink I had in front of me (Amaretto Sour, Alabama Slammer, beer, Screwdriver shots...). When the joke about making knots in cherry stems came up, I ate my Slammer's cherry, then tried to make knots in the stem... to everyone's quiet fascination.

Conclusion: Yes, I am hot.

... Oh, whatever, right? A girl needs that from time to time.

So next thing you know, this MASSIVE group of my friends is at Moe's, to my complete joy. We were all so cheerful and energetic, we pretty much livened up the place more than everyone else. Even those who didn't like Moe's, or who didn't like partying, were there. For me and Liz!

And then, right when I remembered there was someone missing, I turned my head just in time to see Gabe come in, looking as hot as usual.

He beelined for me, straight past all his other friends who had risen to say hi, and greeted me like, "Hey! Wow... Happy birthday, Val."

The 'wow' was because I was sexy.

Lyx: Well duh. You're always sexy If you were hotter than usual I'm surprised the universe didn't implode on the spot.

But I was exceptionally so Friday, and I'm glad he noticed it.

Lyx: Can you imagine what would happen if you and Ben Barnes were in the same room? Everything would just cease to exist.

KABOOM

Lyx: It would be a sexy/awesome overload.

Nice. I should try that one day...

So Gabe sat at my table, evaluated how much drinking advance I had on him, then went for a pitcher. And we basically spent the whole evening laughing, getting drunk, dancing, and getting drunk some more, and ignoring everyone else's comments unless it was to get even more drunk. It was SO fun. He and I were on the dance floor just laughing our asses off... and touching each other's arms, and shoulders, and bringing our heads in very close...

Lyx: YOU DIDN'T BREAK ANY OF THE THREE RULES DID YOU?!??!?!

WHAT? WHAT THREE RULES...???

Lyx: RULE NUMBER ONE: No dying.

Check

Lyx: RULE NUMBER TWO: No babies.

Check

Lyx: RULE NUMBER THREE: No getting caught.

Check

Lyx: Okay whew. Continue.

Well, maybe we might have gotten caught because Michelle spent most of the past 48 hours reiterating that Gabe and I would make a cute couple and how much sex-appeal we have and how awesome it would be if we got together... She mentioned how it had freaked out some of the girls who aspired to Gabe, and how he's too shy to tell me.

I said, "I think it doesn't mean anything."

"I'm not making this up, Val," Michelle said. "You know, I talk to him on MSN, and at one point he confessed to having a crush on someone I knew, and I was like, 'It's either Rox or Val', and as we know, Rox made a move on him last Halloween to a very serious no avail... And I was like, 'It's Rox?' And he's like, 'NO', and then I said, 'Is it Val?' And he said 'I'm not telling you'. Now why would he say that, right?"

Okay, so I desperately want to believe that.


I very sincerely replied that "We'll see. It's probable he's friendly like he is to me with all girls." How else could so many other girls get lead on, right?

Because that's just my luck, and anyway, I really need to keep my cool on this topic.

But Michelle's like, "Get out of your delusions, girl, and kiss him. Because he would like it. A lot. I'm not joking."

This is upsetting. Michelle and Kels know Gabe well, after all... My god.

Michelle and Liz's ex, on Friday night, poked me while I was cracking up with Gabe. We had been discussing something absurd, as usual, and making toasts to anything we could think of. I turned to them and they murmured, "Val. Five bucks if you French him now."

I was so drunk. I went, "BUT I'M NOT DRUNK ENOOOOUUUGH"

I then turned to Gabe and said, "I could get five bucks if I Frenched you."

He choked on his beer, laughed and said, "What?"

And I said, "Michelle wants me to act like a drunken slut. Shameful, isn't it?"

And he's like, "I don't know. Would you be like a pirate's whore? Because pirates deserve respect."

HOW CAN I NOT LIKE THIS MAN?

ANYWAY. The evening was AWESOMELY AWESOME.

I came home at four in the morning. I slept four hours before I had to go to work. I was still drunk when I walked in. It was amazing.

The following night, I called Gabe. I didn't know how else I'd get to the Skratch for the get-together. The evening would be much quieter than the night before, and I was kind of glad he had promised to be there again that night. I like talking to him.

"Hi, my lift just ditched me. Will you please pretty please give me a lift??"

Gabe: Sure. When do you want me to be at your place?
Me: OH MY GOD THANK YOU... Um, nine thirty?
Gabe: Done. So I should get dressed then...
Me: You're naked?
Gabe: Not quite. I'm wearing my monkey pyjamas. Speaking of which, I realised the other day you've seen me wearing those pjs more often than actual clothes. I'm a little ashamed.
Me: They're cute.
Gabe: Thanks. Anyway, I'll call you once I get there. See you :)

I was so cheerful. We spent the whole evening at the Skratch talking.

We saw Rox, by accident. She ignored Gabe completely, which upset him. They were really good friends until she kissed him, and he still resents it. It was embarrassing for her to greet everyone but Gabe and I. She wouldn't even look at us.

I glanced back at Gabe. His jaw was clenched, but he was forcing a smile. As soon as Rox was gone, Michelle turned to him and said, "Well."

"I don't know what to think," he confided softly to me. "On MSN, we have to pretend everything is normal... but she won't even look at me? Crazy hippie."

I nearly snorted my beer out. "Okay, awkward. I'm sorry... if I had known she'd be here..."

He smiled. "Don't worry, it's not your fault. Don't be ridiculous."

The others were there but it was like a one on one.

"You know," I start, to change the subject, "last night Ames came up to wish me happy birthday, and I replied, really loudly, 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY!' " Gabe snickers. "And then she's like, 'No, Val, it's YOUR birthday!', and I just said, 'YES! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!' "

Gabe chuckles, his eyes crinkled. He's twenty-three, but he looks younger, and I love it when he laughs.

"I had so much fun last night," I say, happily. "No joke."

He smirks. "Yeah, that's what it looked like. But, yeah, it was cool. I was glad that there were so many people I actually knew."

"I'm glad that despite the quantity of alcohol I ingested, I didn't get sick or hungover or depressed. I'm proud of myself."

He laughs. "Yeah, I was seriously getting drunk myself." He chuckles. "It's one of the only times I went to Moe's and didn't regret it."

I jokingly preen. "Thanks to whom? That's right, say it. It's thanks to yours truly!"

He laughs out loud. "Yeah, yeah, Miss Montreal Haircut 2008." He eyes my hair, which falls in waves naturally and looks AMAZING (okay??).

"I really like my new hair," I say, with a sincerely modest smile. I caught the teasing, but I stand by my new look.

He sobers up. His eyes are a light blue that changes to bright gray in certain lights. "Don't worry. It really looks super good on you."

I ignored all of Michelle's elbowings. I ignored how Rick, Slim, Drew, Ban and Liz eyed Gabe and I oddly.

We talked about Failblog. We discussed Powerthirst and Brawndo, which are so completely awesome.

I repeated how grateful I was that everyone was there, but otherwise, Gabe and I were in our bubble. He paid for a large plate of mini-Pogos, and gave me the tiny container of ketchup (he knows I love ketchup). He'd take sips of the beer Mitch had bought for me, and we talked non-stop. For three hours.

awwwwww <3

I know. But the best is coming up

Eventually, everyone got tired and said they wanted to leave. They began to go, until the only remaining ones were Slim, Rick, Drew, Gabe and me.

I was still cracking up with Gabe, and not shutting up, and we were wiping tears of laughter from our eyes.

The other guys stood and said, "Well........ we'll be going."

Gabe and I looked up, our bubble suddenly popped, and went, "What? But it's only half past midnight!"

We were so energized still, and we didn't want to end things just then.

Still, what could we do? We said bye to the guys, and decided to go home...

I walk back to Gabe's car with him, when he suddenly says, "I don't want it to end there... Let's walk."

So he drove back to my house, parked in the street, and we walked for two hours, just talking. At one point we stopped in a park, and swung on the swings in the dead of the night, and rolled in the grass and discussed movies.

We even did an extra turn around the block to keep on talking.

Nice.

And then, we were back in front of my house, and neither of us wanted to end it there, and there was this moment... I dunno, I guess I could feel this "kiss me now" vibe pervading the atmosphere.

But it lasted a beat too long because I still couldn't decide if I wasn't imagining it, and he came forward and said, really softly, "Well, I should go now." And he kissed me on both cheeks, really gently.

God dammit.

I know.

Next time, here's what you say: "Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it".

Trust me, my frustration is absolute. Next time, I'm applying that.

Still, I really think he likes me. Like, pretty much the only indication I'm missing is a large neon sign over his head saying "VAL I LIKE YOU CAN I KISS YOU?" I mean. If Michelle, Kels and Liz are to be believed. Even Slim commented that some of the things he does and says point to an attraction.

And you know, for once it's so tangible that I don't think I need to be scared of rejection.

Love,
Val

P.S. Yeah, screw the whole CM thing. It's got nothing to do with my actual name. :p

Long time no see?

Where does one begin?

I don't know if I have the energy to give you detailed play-by-plays, but here's what's up:

What is up with me?

I'm beginning to suspect I'm manic-depressive. I sleep six hours a night and multi-task all the time. I supervise other people, their projects, their welfare, and struggle to make ends meet, all the while trying to eat properly. I work my ass off, I let people insult me without flinching, I am both the punching-bag and wrestler at once.

If you think that's tough, try pulling it off with an optimistic smile. I've done it. Or tried to. But it wasn't easy...

Slim and Gabriel were being jerks to me lately (like, for the past two weeks), and I snapped, today (Sept 25).

Lyx: Good for you!

I said, "Okay, honestly, the two of you are making me sick. If you don't stop, I am scramming, and all the equipment reservations that I took care of will be lost to me." They didn't stop much, but I glared at them so bad that they shut up. I don't even care what they think anymore. I'm sick of being taken for granted.

Lyx: Good! You deserve to be treated awesome.

I know. And it's not like I didn't mention their annoying behaviour to Slim before. He's had ample warning. And I wanted to make him pay a little, so I slipped in that Gabe and I were kinda flirting. I let it hang, of course, and he'll draw the conclusions he wants, but I KNOW that it would piss him off. Because Slim wants a girlfriend, and I'M the one with the potential mate, not him.

Lyx: What an idiot.

After that, he was good to me again.

Lyx: Man, CM, if I were there, I'd be doing things Peas style. I'd be threatening the living shit out of him. And promising to break his face.

He probably wouldn't get it.

Lyx: So I would break his face.

Okay, we have a deal... unless I get a boyfriend before he gets a girlfriend. That'll teach him.

Lyx: On it.

And then he'll wonder how come his life sucks a billion times more since I left him to his own devices.

Seriously, he's so ungrateful. I GET HIM A JOB and he bitches about it. I DO HIS WORK and he complains. I REMIND HIM ABOUT HIS IMPORTANT STUFF and he tells me to mind my own business.

I am so sick of this. It's like he went from !Awesome to !Terrible overnight.

Lyx: Wellllll

I don't even know why he targets ME of all people.

Lyx: You know what to do?

Break his face?

Lyx: No, that's my job.

Oh.

Lyx: What YOU need to do is give him the cold shoulder. You're not his baby sitter, or his mother. You're not his personal secretary, his planner, and he certainly doesn't seem to be treating you like a friend.

What do you think I try to do? Except the moment he sees that, he gives ME the Awkward Silence. Which I despise.

Lyx: So, show him that he's the one that needs you, not the other way around.

He doesn't know what he's missing by being an ass to me.

Lyx: His face. I'll break it.

I mean, I told him when we became friends, "I'll always forgive you for being an ass. I can't blame you for being upset from time to time, and I'll be there to handle your bad mood swings. But being an ass, all the time, with me, is not acceptable."

We had like, a contract to our friendship. And he's trying it. A lot. So screw this. I'm going to let everything slide, and destroy him with a metaphorical kick in the nuts.

But then, time passes without any change, let alone any improvements.

Oct. 8

I am doing fine. Kinda. I cried my eyes out yesterday because Slim is a bipolar asshole who either treats me all wrong or just right. Yesterday was all wrong. He ignored me and pratically lost me in a crowd without giving a fuck. I don't know where to start in the 'give crap to asshole' department, so I let it slide and bawled my eyes out once I got home. Oh, my dad also dislocated his arm. (!) And my brother broke up with his girlfriend. And he's also considering giving up his job.

Lyx: Wow, shit's going down

So I was kind of in a shitty mood... untillllll... Gabe started talking to me.

Who is Gabe, you'll ask?

He's that hot blonde guy I became friends with the despicable Tony for. He's the hot blonde guy Josie was going after without actually getting. He's Kels' friend, and... I think he liiiiiikes me.

Lyx: Good!!

Don't know how we started talking, really. It just sort of happened. But things are good.

Hell, I'd complained about a low quality song I had that I really liked and wanted in higher quality. And he spent a week looking for one, until he sent it to me yesterday night. I was so touched!

Lyx: That's so cute!

I know!!! Mom's like, "CM. Jump his bones." I'm biding my time, but at least it's progressing, you know?

Lyx: What does your mommy think of the Slim mess?

She's REALLY pissed at him. Like, more than me. Soooo every time Slim is a jerk to me, I think of Gabe, and I smile like an idiot, and Slim leaves me alone! He needs me more than I need him. He'll realise that one day. And if he doesn't... well, he'll be VERY alone for a long while.

So I'm feeling good, in spite of all that.

Lyx: Good!

By the way, Gabe asked me out with his friends on Saturday just now. Victory!

Lyx: :D Win! Let me know how it goes!

Definitely. :)

How does one define a shift in their feelings? It kind of just happens, doesn't it?

In my case, it was a landslide. A painful one. How do you manage, anyway? You go home, you cry, you break. You let people get upset on your behalf. You just can't imagine why a person, like Slim, could be so cruel and cold after being so extraordinary.

You work so hard to keep your smile on, but every day that passes makes things harder, and being insulted, hurt, put down, every single day, every single comment you make... the morale takes a plunge. And still you smile, because what right does he have to see your tears?

I came home, wearing sunglasses, but Mom knew.

So I sobbed. I cried, as though I was in mourning or something. I probably was.

I was in the shittiest, lowest mood you can imagine, until the phone rang.

It was Michelle, and she, Kels, Ban, and a few others were going to Tim Hortons. I had a headache, a sore throat, a runny nose...

And I said 'yes'.

What else could I do? Sit around and mope and mourn a friendship that was, for all that I could tell, well over?

So I went out to Tim Horton's with them. It was a nice evening, and Ban drove me back home.

Except I did the mistake of explaining to him why I was in such a funk.

The next day ―a Wednesday― Slim was stunningly decent to me.

By decent, I mean that he didn't insult me every occasion he got, that he walked by my side instead of ignoring me... all those things that had come naturally to him for two years and that he'd forcefully disregarded in the past weeks.

I was on my guards. That was how bad things had gotten, that I'd be scared of him. I was afraid of his turning around and hurting me once my defences were down again.

But Thursday came, and he was just as decent.

Friday passed, and I was still unscathed.

Friday night, Kels, Ban and Liz called me to go out to Moe's. I accepted. I saw Anthony, Iva...

And I learned why Slim was a jerk to me for the past month and a half.

Lyx: Why?

I learned from Ban, of all people. Before I get into it, please note my saying outright that Slim was being an ass seemed to surprise everyone, last Tuesday.

Lyx: Right.

And Ban, being Ban, played moderator, WHICH IS NOT WHAT I WANTED HIM TO DO. Anyway, so Slim had been fine for the rest of the week, and I said, that night at Moe's, in Ban's car, "I don't know when he'll start being an asshole again, so I'm wary of Slim."

And Ban said, "Oh, no, it's chill, I spoke to him."

I was like, "WHAT. DID. YOU. JUST. SAY."

And he was all, "Well, after you told me how much he hurt you, I spoke to Slim, and he told me why he was being a jerk to you."

I gripped the seat, "And what was his reason?"

"He's scared you'll fall in love with him, so he's treating you badly."

I was SO pissed.

Not even hurt. Like, just pissed.

Lyx: h-what

I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK. That's the lamest reason I EVER heard! He's not making me hate HIM, he's making me feel bad about MYSELF. UGH"

And Ban's like, "I know! I told him that, and I told him that you weren't interested in him that way, and he was like, 'oh'."

And you know, ever since I've started talking to Gabe, it's true I'm not interested in dating Slim anymore.

Recent, but true development...

Gabe: CM. I have just discovered the greatest of all games. ... Better than OoT.
No.
Gabe: Better than Metroid.
Which one?
Gabe: MINESWEEPER.
OH MY GOD
Gabe: IT'S SO ADDICTIVE
I am playing like, LIVE.
Gabe: I listen to cheesy songs and I'm sweating in front of my Minesweeper screen. I'd never really played before.
I listen to movies with one ear and play at the same time. I'm so good. :p
Gabe: I've done Beginner and Intermediate so far.
My score on Beginner is, like, 7 seconds.
Gabe: SHIT
LOL
Gabe: I feel a little noob right now. I haven't succeeded with the big one yet.
Don't worry about it. I've been playing for months.
Gabe: Ah, who gives a fuck? My career started today.
Well yeah, don't worry about it.
Gabe: It's a bitch; in the corners I always have trouble.
Haha
Gabe: Minesweeper can only be played with hot 80s songs in the background.
No, movies are a good track too.
Gabe: You going to Moe's tonight?
Uhhh, I don't think so, I don't have a lift... So I'm staying home.
Gabe: I was just asking 'cause Ban said he was going.
How, if he starts drinking, which he probably will?
Gabe: Dunno. The less I know, the less conscience problems I get.
Hahaha too true. I'll ask him... are you going?
Gabe: Nope, I have a board game night at a friend's place.
Tsk, tsk, you'll get owned a Monopoly.
Gabe: I'm going for the Pepsi. THE BROWNEST OF THE BROWN DRINKS.
Diluted, just like you like it?
Gabe: My friends aren't cool enough to dilute it... :'(
I cannot sympathize with a man who likes brown drinks. No moral support for you, sorry.
Gabe: I'm not that bad... I don't drink brown alcoholic drinks...
Oh my god, that'd just about be the worst.
Gabe: You know, it's the aspartame that keeps me hooked.

Lyx: So you like Gabe, then?

Yeah. I do. It's like we feed off each other's insanity. We're both imaginative, we both despise alcohol, we read the same things, we watch the same shows, we think of the same jokes at the same time...

Gabe: So. Do you have a lot of... ENEMIES?
So many that before I exit my room I check for bear traps. It's rather stressful.
Gabe: Bah, your meals still taste nice don't they... THEY MIGHT BE YOUR LAST!!!
OH NO I KNEW I FORGOT TO CHECK SOMETHING TODAY DAMMIT ... I feel... weeeaaak.....
Gabe: LOL Aaah, cyanide...

With a guy so amusing to talk to, how could I let Slim get to me? ... Right?

Hell. I was pissed. I was going to give Slim an earful.

As fate would have it, I didn't get a hold of him, alone, for another week. And the moment I got was unexpected.

UQAM cafeteria, noon.

The cafeteria is slowly filling with people. Enter SLIM, CM, GABRIEL. They're carrying their backpacks and look exhausted. Gabriel is carrying a hockey stick. CM and Slim are unusually silent. Gabriel's cell phone rings. After a few inaudible interjections, he shuts it and raises his hockey stick casually.

GABRIEL. Hey, folks, I have practice. I'll see you in class.

Slim and CM are left standing next to the vending machines and the lineup for the cafeteria kitchens. A sense of distinct awkwardness descends. This is the first time in a week they are fully alone together. Silence. CM turns on her heel and, pretending nothing is amiss, heads beyond the turnstiles and grabs a tray. Slim follows suit, almost without thinking. CM turns to him.

CM. Do you have your own lunch?

SLIM. Um. Yeah. (chuckle) Dunno why I came in.

CM smiles a little weakly, and turns to order pasta from the counter. Slim hesitates, walking here and there around the salad bar, until he finally seems to come to a decision. He walks decidedly towards CM, who is diligently powdering cheese on her pasta, pretending not to watch him warily.

SLIM. Hey. So. Um. Are you going to be alright if I just head on right up to the editing room? Jeremy and I have that tutorial thing to finish for Monday.

CM watches his nervous face critically. Slim relaxes a little.

CM. (a little pathetically) Well, do you mind staying just ten minutes, so I finish my food? I don't have any other friends...

Slim nods in thorough agreement before she even finishes her sentence. A pause.

CM. (ruefully) That...

They both begin to laugh.

CM. ... That sounded really pathetic, didn't it?

SLIM. Yeah, I didn't want to say it myself, but since you brought it up...

They grin. It's like nothing is wrong; they're back to their usual selves for a fraction of a moment.

Silence. CM pays for her food. Slim heads out ahead of her, and finds a table. CM reaches him, and puts her tray down across from him. She slings her bag onto the chair next to her. As she sits:

CM. So Ban told me why you were being such a jerk to me for the past month.

SLIM. (mid-bite of his sandwich, confused) What?

CM. Ban. He told me why you were being an ass to me.

SLIM. (with more clarity) What?

CM. Ban, he―

SLIM. No, I get that. But what did he tell you?

CM is upset, but shows nothing of it, stabbing her noodles more forcefully than usual: Slim is playing dumb. How will she approach the issue? A moment.

SLIM. Hey. What did he say?

CM's resolve is shaping up. She's had the guts to bring the topic up. Why back down? He can't hurt her any further, and she's cried enough over him that she feels strong. Besides, Gabe seems to like her alright, and their mutual friends call her rather than Slim to hang out. The problem isn't with her. It's all a lack of communication, and she'll be damned if she lets things get out of hand any further. This is a golden opportunity.

CM. He said you weren't being nice to me because (barely a hesitation) you're afraid I'm going to fall in love with you.

Slim's look burns her face as he details her. CM stabs at a noodle, absently, pretending all is well, and that she's discussing the weather.

SLIM. He... said that? (Incredulous, a little doubtful)

CM. (casually) What? Did he lie to me?

Her tone is just sharp enough that he can tell she means business. He drops the pretense and puts his sandwich down.

SLIM. No, he didn't lie... but I mean... what exactly did he say?

CM. He said that you were scared that I'd fall in love with you and that, to avoid my liking you, you started treating me like dirt. By the way, that really pisses me off.

SLIM. (frowning) When did I...?

A pointed look from CM.

SLIM. Oh, wait, I remember now. Yeah... (scowl) What kind of business is that, telling you about it?

CM. What I want to know is why he went ahead and talked to you on my behalf. I hate messengers, you know that. I didn't tell him to talk to you.

SLIM. I'd like to mention that it wasn't any of his business, that's true. Anyhow... yeah, I might have said that.

CM. (pointedly) Slim. Please.

SLIM. Well... (diplomatically, while avoiding her gaze and wiping his fingers on a napkin) You can't deny that there were some things... I mean, I talked to friends, and family... and they seemed to think that you were... I mean, it's just...

CM. Some of the things I did?

SLIM. Yeah... I mean... (he's gaining confidence, and regaining his composure) I mean, you know. Some things just looked like... You know.

CM stares at him flatly. This is the moment where she has a choice. She can tell him outright that yes, she was in love with him, and be told that it leads nowhere, or she can silence it and teach him a lesson of humility that he desperately needs. She was in love, and he treated it like a sickness to be rid of.

CM. Slim. I want you to know that I am not in love with you. I love you. Very much. You're a friend that I value above others. Your treatment of me for the past month hurt me, deeply.

Slim's eyes alternate between CM and the table surface awkwardly.

CM. (softer, sincere) And for the past week, you've actually been decent. I appreciate that. I know-- we've been seeing each other more than is healthy. I understand we can get sick of one another. That would justify some frustration.

SLIM. (earnest) Yeah, I'd just like to say, I'm sorry for being rude. It's just... yeah, we see each other a lot and sometimes I get tired and... well, I kind of figure you won't mind my venting...

CM. Well, I do mind, when it's day after day and minute after minute. I mean, I don't mind your venting your frustrations. But I've made big efforts to stay patient and understanding. I just wish you'd try to do the same with me. I know it's not the perfect conditions or anything, and I understand I can be annoying, but you have got to deal with that. You're not perfect either, but I don't recall being a complete bitch to you. And for the record, I am pissed that you would treat me like dirt rather than approach me about your fears on my loving you. Next time, I won't stand for it. I deserve better, and you need to understand that I am not a lovey-dovey nazi.

He smirks ruefully, but his gaze is understanding. For the first time in a month, he's looking her straight in the eye, and they're truly speaking.

SLIM. I'll do that.

CM. Good. Now finish your lunch.

Slim picks up his sandwich. CM is light, and feeling better about things than she has been in a month. Slim's gaze is absent. She waves a hand to make him focus.

CM. You alright?

SLIM. Just thinking that I should stop telling things to Ban.

CM. Shut up; if he hadn't meddled, you'd still be treating me like dirt. Although I am a little embarrassed that I owe that to him. I thought I'd figure it out on my own.

SLIM. Yeah... (he glances up at her) So... You know, I've been replaying Majora's Mask... I'm still missing the Gibdo mask and the Giant mask... I've kind of been playing it obessively of late... what's new with you?

CM looks up at him.

They smile.

CM. Oh, well... you know Gabe, Kels' friend? I think that I might have a tiny crush on him, and if you say a word of this to anyone, I will kill you.........

Love,
CM

Holy shit

Time flies when you're busy.

If I recall, I have over a week of updates to tell you about. Wow.

So, um... Right!

Friday. Last Friday, that is, because hahahaha... yeah. It's not funny, I know, but whatever. I think it's kinda funny.

Actually, to make a long story short, I got a job. At Staples. I basically walked in there and gave my CV, said that I knew their copy guy (my brother), and got hired almost on the spot.

Yeah, I know. Two interviews later and my contract was signed, no trouble, nothing. I had a job that paid better than my previous one, minus a lot of the inconveniences of large items to put back in their place. Now we're just talking about pens... and pencils... and notebooks... and all kinds of lovely, beautiful things any author enjoys.

So after I got my job, I came home and contacted Slim because Kels was hosting the end of summer party at her place and I'm a loser who depends on Slim for lifts.

But he had apparently taken that part for granted because he said he would be there at nine sharp, without my needing to beg.

Kels' party was awesome, as Kels' parties always are. Slim and I were there in time to greet Rick, his girlfriend, Ban, Drew, Guy, Mitch, Isa, and so on. All the people I wanted to see were there; the only one who didn't show that night was PB, but only, Slim told me, because he had an internship thing going on with a renowned Qc celebrity. Later on in the night, even Mike (my male confidante where Slim is concerned), his girlfriend and their friends showed up. It was awesome. Really.

I spent the evening with Eva, because she didn't know anyone else quite as well. So I humoured her and listened to her rant about how she was hoping to meet her Prince Charming in university next week, and slowly losing my mind, when suddenly Slim jumped onto the couch next to me and said, "SO I DISCOVERED SOMETHING AWESOME ABOUT NINJAS."

Which most definitely spared me a lot of boredom. And I KNOW he did this deliberately, because not a minute ago, he'd been all the way across the room, talking to Rick. So the speed at which he bounded over the moment he saw my predicament was astonishing.

"Ninjas," I said, slowly, because usually Slim is crazy about pirates, and everyone knows pirates and ninjas are mortal enemies.

He says, "Yeah, I know, they stand against everything we love and cherish, and all, but listen to this. They have NINJA RAVES."

Eva, at this point, starts to say something that would totally have ruined the awesomeness of the moment. I cut her off and echo, "Ninja raves."

"Yes. They happen in a closed room, with no doors or windows."

Eva frowns, annoyed by Slim's capacity to interest me. "What are you―"

"Because they move through the ventilation shafts!" I laugh.

"Yes! And the DJ is invisible! Because he moves so fast! And the raves only last five seconds because everyone is so swift! So you never know if it actually happened or not!" Slim is laughing. He snaps his fingers. "Like, a ninja rave could have just happened as we spoke! And we wouldn't know!"

Basically, he spared me torture at Eva's hands. Eventually we moved on to more varied subjects, like his underwear. He lifted the hem of his shirt and showed me his waistband, where I discovered Mickey Mouse and Goofy.

Amused, I said, "Are they as old as the Pirates of the Caribbean ones you had the other time? The pair with the holes?"

To which Eva started to say, scandalized, "How do you know his―"

"Yep, same age. I just never wear these."

"Yeah, it didn't look familiar," I say, and by now we're deliberately poking fun at Eva's shock.

"Well, it's laundry day."

"I prefer the ones with the adjectives on them."

He smirks at me. " 'Irreverent'."

"Irreverent," I concur, and we both snicker, which causes Eva to stare at us both, outraged that we'd be so casual about each other's underwear.

"CM," she says, very seriously, "You know it's not right to know so much about his underwear."

"Why not?" I ask, innocently. "He knows about mine."

"I do?" Slim says, his eyes widening. I know he's trying to keep our Get Nekkid night between the two of us and Amy. "Oh, wait. There was that one time where we were going to prank the others―"

"Enough!" Eva exclaims, upset.

It's obvious, though, from having known her all these years, that she envies the closeness I have with Slim. Or actually, with any guy.

I can't blame her; it IS quite exceptional.

Slowly, though, we began to notice that the party wasn't rising much. People were just sitting around, drinking and talking. The area that Kels had dedicated as a dance floor wasn't even being used. Instead, the speakers were playing your regular dance music, but nobody was acknowledging it.

Slim turned to me. He said, quite out of the blue, "Let's ninja rave."

Eva was about to make a comment (probably something like, 'You're so ridiculous', which is particularly condescending if you think about it, because hello, she dreams of Prince Charming), but I cut her off by saying, "Yes, let's."

So we jumped off the couch, startling everyone within a five metre range, and vanished into the dark room that Kels had meant to be a dance floor.

The thing is, it was really dark in there. She had left the lights off, and we decided not to light them. We started dancing like maniacs in the obscurity. It was awesome.

And Liz, Kels, Michelle and others joined us.

So eventually, Slim and I were pretty much leading the party, just because we could, and mostly because we're the most spectacular duo anyone ever saw. Not in dance, though. We were kind of bad at it. Especially since Slim was trying to belly-dance and making a laughing fool of himself. It got really rowdy between us when we began to play-fight, sending each other middle-fingers with effects ruined by our laughter, and general tackles that were not unlike hugs.

Apparently, though, people don't know us enough to know when we're just fooling around, because Liz and Eva forced us apart and told us we weren't allowed within a two metres of each other anymore.

"You're just no good together," Liz joked. "You're a scary mix."

As obedient as I was willing to be, Slim, though, decided he'd have none of it, and took the next split-second to get right back at my side, ignoring Eva's disapproving frown with a completely oblivious grin.

"Liz thinks we're no good together," I told him, trying to suppress my amusement.

At this, Slim grew into a righteous rage. "What? WHERE IS SHE?"

I pointed at Liz, who was happily chatting with Michelle, and he strode over there with purpose, pulled Liz aside and screamed, in anger I'm not entirely sure was faked, "HEY. DID YOU TELL CM THAT SHE AND I DON'T BELONG TOGETHER?" At this, Liz got a little scared. When Slim screams, he's loud. Before she could say a word, Slim continued. "BECAUSE THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD. CM AND I ARE THE BEST PAIR YOU EVER, EVER SAW. IS THAT CLEAR?"

"Um, yes?" Liz said, uncertainly.

"Good," Slim said, with a squint. "I'm glad we've cleared that up."

"You two," Eva then tells me, as Slim strides back with the same amount of purpose, "are like an old couple."

Slim breaks in loudly by screaming, "AND AS FOR YOU―" And he points at me nastily, "―don't EVER let ANYONE tell you that YOU AND I aren't MEANT TO BE THE BEST FRIENDS EARTH HAS EVER CARRIED."

"Oh, shut up, Scrooge!" I shout back, amused beyond reckoning. "And get lost!"

"Fuck you!" He shouts back, giving me the middle finger, but in his aggression I spot that smile and amused spark that's always there when we play-fight.

"Fuck YOU!"

"Enough!" Eva interjects. "You!" She points at Slim, who by now is laughing as much as I am, "Say you're sorry!"

He turns to me and melodramatically says, his arms oustretched for a hug, "I'm sorry, CM, come here, my dear."

We hug, and, as soon as Eva is satisfied, resume dancing our ninja rave.

This went on and off throughout the whole party, with us leading people into dance and, alternately, stuffing our faces with cupcakes.

Eventually, Eva expressed her wish to leave, and since she lives five minutes away, I offered to walk her home (because there have been reports of people disappearing if they were alone on the street there).

"But you'll be alone to walk back," Eva says.

"No, I won't. Watch." I turn to pull on Slim's sleeve ―he was still attempting to belly-dance― and say, "You're coming with me, aren't you?"

"Of course I am," he says, absently. "But where? What's going on?"

"We're taking her home."

"Oh. Sure. Okay. Let's go, then."

We walked her home, cutting across the field under the powerlines where the grass was recently cut (to prevent people from hiding in it, Eva says, but I think it's just because high grass is hard for the electricians to wade in), with my discussing that even with the cut grass, it would be possible for someone to hide if they stayed flat on the ground, which Eva denied. Still, this gave rise to the joke that a Flat Man was stalking us.

Still, on the way back from Eva's place, I stopped Slim and said, "I'm sorry, but I have to try this."

I waded into the cut grass and lay down on it, staying as low as possible. Slim, on his part, stepped back a little to check.

"Holy shit!" He suddenly calls. "If I didn't know you're there, I'd never see you!"

"I knew it. The Flat Man can surprise us!" I say, pushing myself to my feet. We slowly walked back to Kels' place, talking about how silly things are, and how ridiculous our friends can be.

"Actually," Slim commented as we turned onto Kels' street, "speaking of our friends, it's like the more time passes and the less I respect them. I've become an adult, but they seem to remain eternal teens... The only two people I still consider to be my best friends are..."

"Dague and PB?"

"PB still has my respect, but he's going to Québec City next month for a year. I won't see him. Yes to Dague, though. And then there's you."

"Oh." I'm surprised and flattered. "Well, thanks, I guess."

"By the way, tomorrow night is the campfire at Gabriel's place, remember?" He's talking about the fourth fire of the summer, all of which were held at Gabriel's place. Because fires aren't authorized on the island of Montreal, we have to go out of town in the middle of the woods to enjoy them. "And you're going."

"Um―"

"No oppositions allowed. We're going."

"We?"

"Yes."

I smile. That's a nice way for him to mention he's lifting me. "Alright, I'll call you as soon as my work shift is done. Speaking of which, I work at eight thirty tomorrow morning, and I'd like not to leave too late from here." I check the time. It's one in the morning. "Actually, leaving soon would be best."

"Alright, just come and find me when you're ready to leave."

We left at two, and I stumbled home at two thirty. I slept until seven. Do the math: that's four and a half hours of sleep that night.

My first work day was therefore quite rough, and followed immediately by a call from Slim who said he was picking Maria up then coming straight to my place. So, instead of having time to take a nap, I had to scarf down my supper then get changed, and be ready just on time for when Slim and Maria pulled up in my driveway.

Gabriel's campfire was a smaller gathering than before. Anthony, Melanie, PB, AA and Iva were there too, but that was it. It had been a while since I'd last seen them, so I was glad, but I got tired really fast. It was like a bad sort of jetlag. We played hide-n-seek in the woods, though, which was hilarious, and sang songs until two.

But when Anthony commanded that we'd all meet at Moe's the next night, I was kind of freaked.

I stumbled home at three thirty and slept until eight. I dreamed of Slim. I dreamed he was coming to my rescue without my needing to call him, just because he felt the instinct to. It was odd, but he basically turned a nightmare about loneliness and wounded dignity into something comforting and cheerful.

I woke up feeling warm and happy, until I remembered that dreams are just that. Dreams.

That's still a very short night, followed by another full day shift at work. I was running out of steam, and fast (and you may understand that I had no time to write about it here).

Slim showed up at my place around eight. We had convened that we'd take a small amount of time to finish preparing the conference we were giving the next morning (Monday) at our now ex-college. The idea was that, as graduates in cinema, we could tell the next ones up to get organized because film productions aren't easy at all. Our word has more weight than that of teachers, so we offered to speak in their place. Maria showed up a little while later, and, as we had agreed, Mom drove us to Moe's.

Seeing as Slim, Maria and I were the first ones there, we ordered a pitcher of beer and started drinking. We had gone to the bank and teased the bouncer on the way there, and I'd been surprised to realise said bouncer was flirting with me. Seriously, what?

Anyway, I may have mentioned my resistance to alcohol is pretty much nil.

I was into my second glass when Anthony and the others showed up, most of them already drunk from having taken shots before showing up. This brought on more drinking, and by the time I'd ingested two glasses and a half, I was already tipsy. This made Anthony feel free to ask me whether I wanted to make out with him.

"So, CM, since you're drunk, I suppose you'll want to French me."

"No," I laughed. "Thank you, though."

" 'No, thank you'?" Anthony echoes, not insulted in the least. He turns to Slim, who is absently watching baseball on one of the TV screens. "She says no thank you!"

Slim looks down and asks, "What?"

"Woman won't make out with me!" Anthony exclaims. "Have you made her monogamous or something?"

"What?" Slim asks again, utterly confused.

Before Slim can gather his wits, Anthony turns back to me and leans far over the table that seperates us to ask, seriously, "Have you sexed him up, CM?"

"No."

"No? Why the hell not? Slim!" Anthony turns back to Slim and pulls him in to whisper something in his ear.

"What the hell―" Slim waits until Anthony is done whispering before moving away and looking disturbed.

Now I won't pretend. I can read lips, especially when Anthony is so drunk that he has to be very articulate. And he had just asked Slim whether the two of us had had sex lately.

I glared at Anthony, who laughed.

But I was getting drunker by the minute ―the relatively small quantity of alcohol I'd ingested was having its effect on me― and, rather than be cheerful, this time, I quickly descended into depression. It was worsened when all of them got up to go dance downstairs, leaving me alone at the table.

I followed, but after five minutes of head-pounding music, I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt alone again, and it was getting worse with every minute. So I leaned towards Melanie and told her I'd be taking a breath outside.

Truth was, I needed to get a grip on myself, because I knew I was being ridiculous. I couldn't reason at all anymore, and while I had deliberately stepped away from them, I was feeling a large sense of abandonment.

I don't know how long I sat on that sidewalk border, a ways away from Moe's front entrance, but it was long enough to overthink and get really depressed. I was fighting tears I couldn't explain and struggling to be mature.

So when I heard a set of jogging footsteps, I hurried to wipe my eyes and pretend I was just dozing off.

Dreams don't happen. I know they don't. I just know it.

So why my heart exploded when I heard Slim say, breathlessly, "Oh my god, CM, there you are, I'm so happy I found you. I've been looking for you for the past twenty minutes. I was dancing with the others and then I noticed you weren't there― Hey... hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I sob. Goddammit, how had he known to come looking for me? I hadn't wanted to worry anyone. I hadn't even made a scene― He wasn't even supposed to know I was gone!

"CM," he says, concernedly, crouching in front of me, "something's wrong." The next questions he asked where so spot on I had to fight even harder to stay composed. "You felt alone? You're tired, right? And you drank a wee bit too much. We didn't do anything wrong, did we? Did we leave you behind?"

OH MY GOD WHY??? WHY MUST HE KNOW ME SO WELL?

"I'm― I―"

"Oh my god, okay," Slim says, when he notices that my shoulders are quaking, "so you're REALLY not feeling it. That's alright, my dear, come on, I'm here for you. I'll be your saviour," he half-jokes. "Come on." He outstretches both his hands to help me to my feet. "Come, we'll talk."

I take both his hands. By now I'm sobbing and I can't see clearly. Rather than make me walk a single step, Slim breathes a soothing 'shhh' and pulls me into his arms, letting me lean my head on his shoulder. He lets me sob like it's the most natural thing ever, not even caring that I'm soaking his shirt front, murmuring comforting words into my hair like "it's alright, you're okay. I'm here. It's okay... shhh..."

Eventually, I break away from him and sob, "Oh my god― I'm so sorry I wet your shirt―"

"It's nothing."

"―and I keep ruining your evenings―"

"No, you don't."

"―I'm sorry I'm such a wreck― I don't― I don't even know why I'm crying!" I bring my hands up to my face to hide it. I'm so embarrassed. He always sees me when I break. But I can't stop crying. I'm panicking. "Slim, I don't― I just―"

But he pulls me forward and hugs me again. "It's okay. Come on, we'll get away from here. Let's find a quieter place."

He pulls me down the little street where we always end up, holding me close with an arm around my shoulders. Eventually, I manage to make full sentences.

"I'm so sorry I keep ruining your nights out," I sob. "I swear, I don't know why―"

"Don't worry about it," he assures me once more. "You need someone to be there for you, and I'm it."

I watch him, throat tight. "You don't have to do this."

"But I do," he says, with a smile. "It's my genetic defect, remember? I need to save people."

Against all odds, this makes me smile a watery smile. Slim's face lights up with a victorious grin.

"Hah! See? I'm a genius. I made you smile!"

I can't help it. I half-giggle, half-sob, and reach for another hug. He cheerfully lets me into the circle of his arms, and holds me close.

"You're too good a friend," I mumble into his shirt. He says nothing, just moves back and forth slowly, giving me the best hug I could ever hope to get. "You deserve the best girl there is, Slim. You need to be happy."

"I do want a girlfriend," he admits when we finally break apart. I sit on the ground, and fall backwards until I'm staring up at the sky. "But to be honest, I don't know who I could go for. So I'm left hanging." He sits next to me, looking down at me thoughtfully. He seems pleased that I'm not crying anymore.

"You'd really be a mind-blowing boyfriend, if what you managed tonight is any indication," I smile.

"Bah, that's nothing. I'd not only be an amazing boyfriend, I'd also be an amazing lover." He waggles his fingers. "I've got it down pat, you have no idea. Every girl I've ever made out with kept begging for more." He snickers. "I guess I know how to bring them to the edge."

"You probably understood something fundamental, like..."

"I kiss and touch them everywhere but where they want to be touched."

"So you make them desperate."

"But very turned on," he agrees. "Exactly."

I almost want to cry again. "I cannot believe this. You know, Bass never understood that. He went straight for the belt."

Slim grimaces. "He's a moron. A girl needs to be teased."

"Trust me, I know. But so do guys." I smile at the stars. "I think I'd be a good lover too."

"Probably."

"I mean, I'm creative, and good-looking―" I glance at him with a glare ready in case he makes any comment, but he just nods, "―and intelligent. I learn fast, and I'm curious to try things. I'd need a partner willing to experiment."

"So you also need a guy you can trust."

"Yeah..." We lapse into silence. Finally, I say, "You know, I never thought I'd ever become such good friends with you. Things weren't pointing at it, even at the start of last year."

"I guess we needed each other."

"I guess we're just like-minded."

"Pretty much― hey, look, PB is there. He's coming our way."

"Oh god. Do I look like a living wreck?" I wiped my face, but I've stopped crying.

"No, you look fine..."

"You don't sound sure. You know, you're supposed to say I'm beautiful."

"That's dumb. You look like you stopped crying, that's what. But don't worry, PB won't notice."

He's right. Nobody noticed. We went home ―although right before I left, the bouncer from earlier accosted me and asked me to be there the next Friday. I said I'd think about it. He said he'd be shattered if I didn't come. I said I couldn't do much about it, except I could give him a hug. He pointed at Slim and asked whether my boyfriend would mind. I said I didn't have a boyfriend, and hugged him. He kissed both my cheeks twice. I decided that was scary (he's HUGE) and left.

I slept five hours, then woke up on time to join Slim at our old college for the conference. It went well, and Slim then went to inquire about the job with Pierre. Things didn't look as good, though; apparently another guy with more credentials had shown up, and the school was obliged to hire him instead of Slim, to the technicians' disappointment. Still, Slim took it in stride and told them to keep him in mind for the future.

I worked that afternoon, the next Tuesday, and took Wednesday off because Slim and I had to attend a conference at the UQAM to receive our student ID, our agendas, and fetch our public transit cards. After a long day the tribulations of which I shall spare you the details, we came home, and I rested. I'd been sleeping semi-normal nights, now, but I was still exhausted all the time.

I worked Thursday and Friday. Because I work at Staples, the Back to School rush is exhausting. We pull ten-and-a-half-hour shifts (which, by the way, I'm pretty sure are illegal), and I never finished a work day before ten at night.

So, after a week of over forty hours, they decided to make me finish early yesterday (Friday), for which I was really grateful.

It was on coming home that I got a message from Michelle who wanted to go out. So I encouraged a few others to join us. Eventually, the only ones who showed up were Slim, Rick, Ban, Mitch and Isa. Guy had promised to come, but, as usual, hadn't give a sign of life. Fred was going downtown for the night, Drew was too lazy to get out, and all the others were at Moe's.

But I was sick of Moe's, and honestly, it was nice to just talk. Michelle was being really annoying, though, switching between innuendos about Slim and I, then suggesting I should go for Gabe. Ban dragged Slim away for a bit, for god-knows-what, but they indicated nothing on their return, except that it was suspicious how at one point every single person at the table vanished, leaving Slim and I alone.

He told me he was excited to start the new school year, that the girls he had seen at the UQAM were cute. I said I didn't have high hopes myself.

Michelle then returned, asking about Slim's ideal girl. I already knew; I told her Slim liked girls with little frames (i.e. not me). Michelle sighed dramatically, and argued it wasn't fair that every guy liked girls with little frames, that tall guys with tiny girls look realy awkward, that it wasn't fair that the rest of us would be left all alone. I ignored it, because the last I need is to sound even more melodramatic.

Even though it IS unfair.

We finished the evening early; everyone looked really tired. So I went home, slept, then came here this morning to start typing, because I feel like a wretch for not keeping you updated.

Hopefully, though, my schedule will lighten up now that school starts, so trust me, I look forward to it.

Love,
CM