Summer's Almost Over and I Am So Poor

Going out is expensive. Very expensive. After a while, my funds are kind of depleting. (Cue horror-filled expression.) I wish I could say that it was always worth every penny, but since cocktail drinks cost way more to buy than they do to produce, obviously I'm still getting ripped off.

Anyhow, I've come to terms with my status as a poor person.

Which didn't keep me from paying 50$ last evening for Kitty's goodbye party.

Seriously. Fifty bucks. That's four pitchers, right there. And all I got yesterday was a mixed salad, goat cheese tomato pasta, an apple pie slice and one Turquoise blue.

And thank god Josie didn't ask me to pitch in for the 600$ present. Instead, she and Kitty's boyfriend split. It's a good thing he paid for it, because it's pretty much his only use. Kitty has a tendency to go for bad boys, and this one is pretty much an asshole who treats her with about as much respect as he would to a puppy. Kitty doesn't realise she deserves much better than a guy whose only redeeming quality is his large wallet. He did NOTHING to prepare this goodbye party, except pay for Kitty's meal. Josie, Eva and I, on the other hand, busted our asses.

Because Kitty's leaving to study marine biology in Rimouski, some 600 kilometers away. While this breaks our hearts, we're relieved for her, because at least she won't have as many occasions to get used by the asshole boyfriend (who is probably planning his future squeezes for when she's away already).

Kitty isn't the only one who's leaving us. PB is, too. He's off to study publicity in Québec city, and as psyched as we are for his awesome prospects, we're sad to see him go. He was a large part of our group spirit, and some of us have known him for fourteen years (read: since preschool). To see him prepare his departure is like watching a brother leave.

We know we'll see him again, of course, but it won't be as frequently, and it just won't be the same.

Daycamps are almost over. Some of those who work as counsellors are already out. With every passing day, we can sense the increasing speed at which summer is coming to an end.

My brother is heading back to college next week. Most of my friends who haven't finished it yet too. So Rick, Mitch, Drew, Fred, Guy, Ban, AA, Anthony, Liz will also get busy. Iva has finished college, but she's heading off into the east of Montreal to study audio prosthetics, and we might not see her as much anymore.

Of my friends, we're actually a small number starting university this year. This is only because we're among the few who have aced all our classes in the past two years, and have none to finish in order to obtain our college diploma. Amy, Gabriel, Eva, Josie, Kels, Maria, Gabie, Slim and I are the only ones whom I know for sure will be spending regular time downtown Montreal at either the University of Montreal or the Université du Québec à Montréal.

That is to say that my group of friends has been narrowed down rather drastically: Eva, Josie, Kels and Gabie aren't attending the same university as I am. In fact, they'll be on the rich side of Mount Royal; Slim, Gabriel, Amy and I will be in the city-centre.

And of those four, the only one I'll be seeing on a (very) regular basis is Slim.

It always boils down to that, doesn't it?

This week Slim is at Dague's chalet somewhere up north, without electricity or a phone line. Go figure. Dague's whole family has pretty much adopted Slim, though, so I know he's having a lot of fun, even without news of him.

And if you were wondering how I'm faring since Tuesday, I can give you a little update, because a lot of you seemed really concerned.

First off, this isn't the first time I've been disappointed; those who were here since the start can probably remember Josie's cruel words back in February 2007, all of Slim's romances since then nonwithstanding. Being close to Slim is kind of a guarantee that things cannot be simple.

Secondly, I haven't seen Gabe since that time, but aside from my decision not to mess with him until I get things sorted out, it's come to my attention that Kels is interested in him. Seeing as Kels is my friend before Gabe, I don't intend to cross her in any way. I've got my own things to deal with without harming her.

And finally, I've forgiven Slim, for various reasons that I will highlight in a little bit.

Wednesday was a quiet day, spent moping a little and trying to make things alright, and reasoning with myself. I spent it talking with Lyx and Scop, and trying to ignore Mom as she tried to explain that Slim did not, in fact, mean to hurt me (she was there when Slim refused to go to the movies with me).

Yeah, I know. Mom turned traitor on me or something. But it's hard to ignore her when she adamantly declares that Slim would never want to hurt me, that he didn't mean it as an insult, that he preferred to talk with me rather than pay to see a movie he doesn't really want to see on principle (he's got odd principles, but I won't get into that).

But I wanted to mope, so I moped.

Thursday, though, I was already feeling a lot better. Ban called me mid-afternoon to ask me whether I wanted a ticket for a late showing of Tropic Thunder, to which I acquiesced happily. Ban was buying the tickets in advance, just in case, and I gathered that Rick, his girlfriend Steph, Amy, her friend Dany, Ban, Drew and Kels would be there.

I was still kind of sulking Slim, but I was softening by the day and the more time passed, the more I realised ―in part thanks to your comments to my previous post― that he had probably answered my queries to the best of his neutrality, and that he had not meant, in fact, to hurt my feelings. He just didn't want to engage them at all, because, as I came to understand, it's a risky territory.

And he'd looked so earnest when he'd left me, Tuesday, and he'd mentioned that if we went to the movies this week with the others, he'd like to come.

So when Ban fetched me in his beat-up car, nicknamed Olga, of all things, I asked, as casually as I could, "Did you call Slim for tonight?"

Which was when Ban said that he'd tried, without results.

I said, "He's out of cell minutes, though. Did you try―"

"No, I didn't try his house. Wanna do it? I'm picking Kels up too and we're heading to Drew's for a while."

"Okay." I let Ban deal with driving and dialled Slim's home phone number.

His father answered. I asked, "Um, hi, it's CM."

"I recognized the voice," Slim's father says warmly.

"Yeah," I smile. "Awesome. Um... is Slim there?"

"No, actually. He's out... I don't know where. He never really tells me much."

I'm disappointed. "Oh. Do you know when he's supposed to come home?"

"No idea. As I said, he's out until god-knows-when. I think it's because they have a closing-day at camp, so he might be there. And he might stay until late."

"Oh. Okay, well, then... um, if he ever gives a sign of life, could you tell him to call me? Or Drew or Ban or Kelsey, actually. We're going to see Tropic Thunder tonight and I think he wanted to come."

"Sure. I'll try to let him know."

"The movie's at 9:30, so anytime before that is cool, I guess."

"Alright, CM."

"Thank you, Mr. D.," I say, cheerfully. "You're great."

"No problem."

We hung up, and I gave up on Slim. He'd probably be too tired.

In fact, he didn't call that night, as far as I knew. My cell phone got no missed calls, and no one else got any news. I wasn't even sure that he was still alive. I ignored my disappointment and enjoyed everyone's company instead, for what it was worth. We filled a row in the theatre, and got a few good laughs from the movie.

Ban drove me home. I was in a somewhat depressed mood, and Ban, who was in the same mood because of his recent break-up, decided to notice, the ass.

"Just tell me," Ban said. "Every time my sisters had to unload, I was their man."

"I can't, Ban. You know the people involved."

"So? Think that changes anything?" He made a tisking noise, then said, "It's Slim, right?"

Why deny it? "Yeah."

"Did something happen?"

"Not really, when you think about it." I tell him about my frustration over Slim's attitude on Tuesday, and how I was unexpectedly hurt by his refusal to go to the movies with just me.

Ban interrupts me. "So do you feel bad about reacting so much?"

"Not really," I say. "I'm glad I reacted, actually, because otherwise that would have been just another thing to contend with internally."

"Right. But can I just ask for one thing set straight?"

"What?"

"What exactly do you want to be with him? Just friends?"

"Ban―"

"No, no, hear me out. Because if you want to be just friends with him, you need to tell him that straight up. And then he won't freak out. CM, he's a guy. We guys don't work well with subtlety. You need to tell him that straight up, he's just your friend and you don't mean anything more."

"... He knows that's―"

"CM. Did you TELL him?"

"Well, we kind of agreed multiple times, actually."

Ban pursed his lips, and turned onto our common street. "CM, can I be honest with you?"

"Of course."

"I think the reason you can't seem to be honest with Slim is that you are extremely confused."

I'm stunned. "I'm sorry?"

Ban stops in front of my house. "Confused. You don't seem to know what you want. So of course you're giving out extremely freaky signals."

I blink. That had never even occurred to me. That I could be confused. But he's right.

As much as I professed myself to be in love with Slim, the fact remained that I wasn't as heartbroken over his reaction as I was insulted. I've never connected with a guy as I connect with him, before. Being close to him is comforting, and being his friend is fun, but does that mean that I would get something better from being his girlfriend? I can still hug him, I can hang out with him on a regular basis, and there's no worry about being loved or accepted or rejected... Slim likes me as I am already.

Ban and I discussed this. Ban merely asked me, "CM. You just have to ask yourself one question: is it worth losing a permanent friend like Slim to gain a boyfriend like Slim, as temporary an advantage as that can be?"

The surprising answer was... "No. No, it isn't."

Because it isn't. I have so much to lose, and not much to gain. As conflicted as my heart was, the rest of me just knew it wasn't worth worrying about. He cares more about me than he did about his exes, and I love him dearly...

"I mean, you're closer to Slim than anyone ever expected you to become. It's a strong bond and something that not a lot of people can claim to have," Ban says. "And I don't think that you have a lot of friendships as meaningful."

Was it possible...? Was I in love with Slim just because I didn't have anything else? No, that wasn't quite it. I thought it over. "At the risk of sounding coarse," I said absently, "the only plus of being Slim's girlfriend would be the physical satisfaction. Everything spiritual is otherwise already there."

"Understatement," Ban smiles.

"I think I just feel safer with him, is all. If he were my first..." I shrug. "I don't know, I trust him more than anyone. I'd feel more comfortable if he were my first than if anyone else tried to fill in."

"That's normal," Ban says. "But in the long run, what's the best thing?"

"I know, I know." I wasn't happy, but somehow, Ban had helped me distance myself and take a critical look at my situation. If I were to do an internal vote, my confusion would be obvious:

Body: YES please he is pretty!
Head: NO, thanks, in the long run staying friends is wiser.
Heart: Um, those are valid points... Err...

And in the end, the mind wins, because the body is a fickle thing, and the mind is usually right. As for the heart, I'm not going to force things anymore. It was upset on Tuesday, and we'll see in time where it settles itself again.

After saying goodbye to Ban, and threatening him with murder if he EVER spoke to anyone about the talk we had, I went home.

(By the way, I did keep my promise to Slim throughout the talk. I never said, at any moment in the conversation, that I felt anything more than complete confusion regarding Slim, and that doesn't really qualify as admitting love in the least.)

Mom was still up. She asked about the movie, and I told her happily that it was good, and worth watching with friends.

It was only on Friday morning that I found out that Slim HAD called the night before.

"Yeah," Mom said, "I forgot to tell you. He called around nine and asked to talk to you." She paused to recollect a little absently. "He sounded really excited, too. But I told him you were already gone. He asked if you had the cell phone, and I said that you did, but you were likely already in the theatre, so that it was probably too late. He was really disappointed."

I feel bad for him, but then, he HAD known that there was a movie night planned either on Wednesday or Thursday.

Later Friday I logged onto MSN. He wasn't there until seven in the evening, at which point the following conversation occurred:

Me: I feel like going out tonight. Do you feel like going out?
Slim: No, I'm leaving early tomorrow morning for Dague's chalet.
Me: Bah. D: So how long are you going to be away? People mourned your absence yesterday.
Slim: Until jeudi prochain ('next Thursday').
Me: !!! Seriously??
Slim: Yeah.
Me: Oh. Wow, I guess.

A pause. I've given up on him. He hates me―

Slim: ZOMG I didn't tell you the amazing news! I called yesterday but you were out!
Me: What?
Slim: Pierre called me!

Pierre, if you recall, was our main college cinema teacher. He taught us about screenplays, filming and editing. He was also the most badass teacher we could ever get. PB, Gabie, Slim and I loved him. We always squeal his name when we talk about him, like "PIIIIIIIEEEERRE!!!"

Yeah, we're dorks.

Me: !!!!!
Slim: And he offered me a job at the college as assistant technician!!!!
Me: WHAAAAT
Me: OMG OMG OMG
Me: OH MY GOD

My excitement isn't feigned. I'm seriously in shock and AMAZINGLY PSYCHED!!!

Slim: YES!!!
Me: !!!!!!!
Slim: I would replace the mean dude.
Me: YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS
Slim: It's not sure yet, but I have a good chance.
Me: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
Slim: I KNOW!!!!
Me: I am SO PSYCHED FOR YOU!
Slim: The guy said he wouldn't be able to do it this year like three weeks ago and they were looking for someone and René and Pierre ont tout de suite pensé à moi!!! ("René and Pierre immediately thought of me!!!")
Slim: I was so stunned!!!!!
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY FOR YOU!! 8D WOW!!!
Me: Still, it IS true you'd do a better job than the other guy did. YOU, at least, know the program and equipment from having actually worked with them.
Me: By the way, we tried calling you like, all evening yesterday. Where were you?
Slim: Camp closing. There was so much to do; I stayed until eight.
Slim: Speaking of which, Rick and Guy were supposed to be there to help, but they weren't.
Me: Ah, poop.
Slim: But who gives a fuck when I might work with PIERRE.
Me: Seriously.
Slim: It's crazy !!!
Me: I KNOW!!!!
Slim: Remember taking like a workshop with René on editing?
Slim: Well I'd be doing it now.
Me: Hahaha yeah!!!!
Me: Okay, seriously, where are the BIG FONTS when I need to shout? This is ridiculous.
Slim: ITS AMAZING I WANT THAT!!!
Me: BIG FONTS??
Slim: no, the job.
Me: Right. lol
Slim: But yeah, the BIG FONTS too!!!
Me: OKAY. WELL, I CAN GUESS WHY.
Slim: Btw, are you doing the film production thing?

He's talking about the email our cinema teacher Marie-Josée sent us last week, asking a few old students whether we'd like to come back to the college to explain to the second-year students what film production is like, in order to incite them to get organized and proactive. We'd enjoyed the same thing last year, and it's true having old students explain the strain and stress is more impressive than being told about it by teachers.

And okay, it's for those of us who like doing oral presentations about things we love, like we do.

Me: I want to... Wanna come with me?
Slim: Yeah! I can go only the 25th, though.
Me: Bah, I'm free all the time, so it's chill. Do you want me to reply for both of us?
Slim: Well, I'll tell MJ about the two of us for Monday at 9:30.
Me: Ok, if you want to do it, it's cool, too. :P
Slim: We'll meet the weekend before and we'll organize something so that it's not improvised.
Me: Sickass. Yes.
Me: DUDE. I can re-edit our making of into a clip of 1-2 minutes lol
Slim: If you can do it!!!
Me: Um, obviously. I have nothing better to do with my time anyway hahaha.
Me: Oh, btw, the 27th there are meetings at UQAM for the student IDs and all. So can you keep that day free?
Slim: Yeah, for sure.
Me: Okay now, I'm totally psyched for plenty of things. Great. I won't be able to sleep because of the happy high. Gah.
Slim: Gah!?
Me: Yes, gah is my expression of darn-now-I-can't-sleep-because-I'm-happy. But maybe you imagine that it's NOT EXPRESSIVE ENOUGH
Slim: I can sense the BRAWNDO tone.
Me: TOO ENERGETIC FOR NORMAL SPORTS!

And so it was that I forgave Slim, because, in Juno's words, he's the cheese to my macaroni.

And then, last night was Kitty's goodbye party. I already know that most of the people who were there are going to be there at Kels' party next weekend. It's the Summer End, a tradition to end the party season, and just about every single person I like is going to be there. It'll be awesome.

Anyway, I have a wonderful school year coming up, what with university and all. So, alright, I confess, things are good. Not great, but definitely good.

Love,
CM